H is sitting on the couch icing his swollen, bloody nose. He has just come home from his last sparring/training session before his fight on Saturday. Tonight I actually got to ask the question, "Is that your blood on your shirt?" Nice. Overhead we hear TD not settling down for a long nights sleep but instead thudding around in her room. She has already been told if she doesn't settle down action will be taken. Action that includes taking away her beloved stuffed rabbit, Cuppy. Another thud can be heard coming from upstairs with a yell that can only be described as rebel-H: I've been punched in the nose way too many times today to fuck around with that kid.Guess that means I'll have to be the heavy tonight. … [Read more...]
A Swift Kick in the Eggs
The circus. We had just come home from the circus. It is late and the kiddos are on the verge of savagery. I am wishing I could just melt into my bed and get a full night of sleep. Maybe then my throat would feel better. Right then it felt as though my favorite snack food was barbed wire with a side of razor blades. H pipes up, "So should I put in my breakfast order now or do you just want me to wake you up...."I don't even turn to glare. I just exit the car. Quite the charmer that man is. … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: After completing a round of Pilates yesterday morning I head to the shower. TD follows after me holding a pink ribbon. TD: Momma, I'm doing kwaties. Me: Kwaties? You mean pilates?TD: No! Kwaties. Ka-wha-tieeess (speaking slowly to me as if I'm slightly special.)Me: Kwaties, huh? That's cool.TD: Yeah. I learned it from Mary.Me: Mary? Who is Mary? Does she go to your school? Is she on TV?TD: (Slightly exasperated) No, Momma. Maaarry. Mary and her purple lamb. And I have to use my belt. Like dis! (circles pink ribbon around her waist and holds it there.) See? I'm going to do Kwaties now. Bye!Me: You are blowing my mind kid. Just blowing my mind. And freaking me out. Just a little bit. I seriously don't want any encounters with a purple lamb in my house. … [Read more...]
Overheards in a Wegman’s Bathroom
Scene: TD and I are in the luxurious by public bathroom standards Wegman's family bathroom stall.TD: Momma, where is the baby in your tummy?V: The baby is Dash Two and I had her at the hospital. She is not in my tummy anymore.TD: I don't have a baby in my tummy. You feed Dash Two with your big nipples?!!? V: (cringing slightly) Yes... TD: I have little nipples. I feed Dash Two with a bottle?V: Yes, you do. TD: Well, that just makes much more sense, Momma.V: Completely. I can just see this being reprinted in a future edition of Reader's Digest. … [Read more...]
Overheards- The Inaugural Edition
Scene: The darkened den of our house. H and I are watching the Golden Globes (shocking, I know. I can hardly believe he was there myself!) and yet another commercial for the upcoming inauguration flashes across the screen.H: Isn't the inauguration next Tuesday? Me: Yeah, I know. I keep thinking it's this week the way people are talking about it and promoting it. It's driving me crazy.H: That's it! I'm done. I'm over it. Enough. I'm officially sick of the hype. I mean, just get your cardboard box of photos, turn on the light in the Oval Office and get to work already.Don't get me wrong, we're excited and all that but if you lived here you would feel like the four walls were closing in on you too. Our roads are being closed down. School is canceled and none of our bridges will be … [Read more...]
Overheards- The Gross Out Edition
H and I were having a bit of a chat last night and I asked him what some line was from the film 'In Bruges' that I thought was so funny. He recited it and I made the comment that, "Yeah, that one guy in it just never meets a good end in any movie he's in. I mean he falls from the tower and lands with a splat and then there's 'Gangs of New York' where he just gets brained in the barber shop with his own club. Sick!"H: Thanks for all that nice mental imagery before I go to bed and head off to dreamland. Why don't you call me tomorrow at lunch time and tell me all about your first period. How's that?Me: Oh. Sorry. Yeah, that type of stuff just doesn't bother me, does it? Yet, I was strangely disgusted by Krusty the Clown going into the wood chipper on The Simpson's today. Weird. … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: The dinner table. Ah, dinner time. The place where we have so many stimulating conversations these days. You know, world events, class structure, the economy and shopping apparently.TD: You pooped in your pants. You pooped in your pants at the couch store!Me: What?! Are you talking to me?TD: "YES! Mommy pooped in her pants at the couch store!" She cackles with laughter and almost falls out of her chair.H looks at me as if he really has to inquire if this happened or not. Pregnancy may have made things in the urinary department less than stellar for now, but umm.. there is no pooping in the pants. The subject of poop is quite hilarious to TD these days. All you have to do is say the word and you are George Carlin, Seinfeld and more to her.On a more serious note, read my latest over … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: Saturday morning in bed after a night of blissful uninterrupted sleep. H: What's that smile for?Me: What smile?H: The one on your face right now. I can't read it.Me: Oh, I'm relaxed and well-rested.H: That explains it. It's been a long time since I've seen that.******************************************************************************Scene: A darkened theater, the trailer for Oliver Stone's W has just finished playing on the silver screen. From the audience: He couldn't f*cking do anything right! Why the f*ck did they make a movie about him. An awkward silence follows until someone begins to snort with laughter. … [Read more...]
Olympic-Sized Overheards
Scene: H & I sitting in a darkened den watching the brain suckage that is the passing of the countries during the Olympics opening ceremony. The excitement could not be contained as we exclaimed over countries wardrobe choices and wondered when the real festivities would begin.Me: Augh! Who the hell is that jackass yokel?! Look at the way he is sitting with his legs splayed out. Bored, much? Dude! You are on television! At least look like you are lucky to be there!seconds later...Me: Oh crap. That yokel is the President of the United States.H: Proceeds to laugh so hard he falls completely off the couch, his body in a tight ball as he wheezes and laughs even harder until he almost cries or pees. Whichever comes first in non-pregnant men. The phrase, "That's classic!" utters forth in … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: H reading to T.D. at nap time yesterday. They are reading the book, Clever Beatrice. The sweet tale of a young girl who tries to defeat a giant.T.D.: I have a giant too, Daddy!H: You do? Where is your giant? I haven't seen him!T.D.: It's right here! Near my butt! (Points to her groin area)H: That's not a giant T.D. That's your vagina. … [Read more...]