Old Girl

When H and I first married he was gone a lot. There I was, in a new town, no job and a new military spouse who didn't live on base. To say I was lonely is a massive understatement. One weekend in San Diego and my heart was stolen by this adorable girl. Today, Lex turns 10. She's survived toe cancer, a bite from a Copperhead snake, emergency midnight surgery to remove a suspicious mass (aka a web of carpet and melted plastic she choked down) and quite a few moves, flights and trips across the country. Did I mention the three kids? Daily she survives those little beasties by laying low and stealing their food right out from under them. They love her anyway.So do we. Happy Birthday Old Girl. We love you. … [Read more...]

The Talons of Death are Alive!

At this point I think it is safe to say that our dog might be plotting our deaths.  She's been limping around for the last few days and while we tried to blame the cold, her old age and her "artha-right-tus" acting up, it seems we overlooked the ginormous swollen toe.Is that right? Do dogs have toes?  They have paws and in our dogs case, talons of death.  But toes?  I digress.One of the "toes" that holds onto a talon of death is swollen and out of a family of four that wounded appendage gets bumped about every half hour.  The yowling.  The yelping.  It is awful. I can't take it.  I remembered that I'm a dog owner and called the vet.  Our poor Lex.  She used to be the baby until TD came along.  When The Comedian happened on the scene … [Read more...]

Can You Live Without Your Phone?

What can't you live without? Food. Water. Air. Shelter is nice too. But it's been proven that humans can live without it. Could you live without your phone? Even if it were just for a day, could you part with that little device that holds so much of your "at my fingertips now" information? Does the idea of even being without your phone give you a case of the vapors or break you out into a case of the hives? My Blackberry had a little issue with email yesterday (read: it was like, "Ding, ding, ding, bong, bong, bong...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh" You know, dial up circa 1995.) so I took it to the Verizon store for a quick check-up. Turns out I had to leave it at the store for an hour, which was fine except that I would have to come back with two kids versus one. I felt a brief bit of terror as I … [Read more...]

The Last Pancake

Scene: Breakfast is over for this Sunday morning and clean up has begun. I notice that there is one last pancake left.V: I pick up the pancake and say, "Dare me to chuck this last pancake at the dog's head?"H: "Go for it."I lob it at the dog and it grazes her cheek. Considering the fact that this is a dog that can catch adult-sized birds in mid-flight I am a bit surprised that she doesn't grab a hold of this flying snack. It lands on the floor next to her and in seconds the dog, TD and The Comedian are on this lone pancake like a pack of hungry wolves. After a few minutes of wrestling with her sister and the dog, The Comedian crawls away with only a glance back. Having been nearly shanked by the dog's talons of death she realizes that whatever tiny scrap of pancake she was going to … [Read more...]

In Which Nature Takes Over

Scene: A sun dappled den. The Comedian and I are sharing some quiet time while our dog, Lex suns herself outside on our deck. "Cheeep! Cheep, Cheep, ChiiRRRP!" The Comedian and I look out the sliding glass doors of the den to see Lex catch an adult-sized Robin in her mouth. As I press my face to the glass I can actually see the fear in the bird's eyes and I let out a bit of a whimper. "Poor, germ-infested bird. You had no idea that lazy looking dog was going to come out and get you did you? I know. Me neither."In the past Lex has caught toads, lizards and other smaller birds but when they cease to move any longer she stands above them looking perplexed. She nudges them with her nose wondering where her playmate has gone. It's almost sad if it weren't so well, wild. I forget … [Read more...]

Dog for Sale

"Psst... Hey Lady! Get me out of this thing! Lady? Do you hear me?" I said, "GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN METAL CAGE! NOW!!!"The whining had been going on for a solid half hour at this point. I just didn't want to give in to the inevitable jumping on the bed, scratching with talons of death and jingling of the collar that is like an alarm clock for TD."FREEDOM!!!" "You know what I'm going to do now don't you? That's right. I'm going to go over to your kids bedroom door, you know the one who is sleeping in today and I'm going to wake her butt up. RIGHT NOW! Ha ha!"Bang, bang, BANG!TD is now officially up. The plan has worked and I have been successfully thwarted by my 28 lb dog. All fury and hyper activity. To say that she missed us is an understatement.To have her wake up a sleeping-in toddler, … [Read more...]

And How Was YOUR Morning?!

Scene: Our house. About 3:30 a.m.H: Ssshhh!!! Quiet Lex! I said, Quiet!!I toss and turn wondering how it is even possibly that hot for the dog to be panting so loudly. It's not that hot.Fifteen minutes later H turns on the ceiling fan and I wait for the dog to stop that loud panting which previously, until H began yelling "shush!" I had not heard.Realize that the panting had quieted down but um... it smells like the coffee maker is on. WTF?! Did H set the timer on the coffeemaker last night and set it for...check clock on nightstand which now reads 4:41 a.m. Sigh...How on earth can I be smelling coffee?! Great! Now I'm starving. Roll out of bed and eat crackers furtively in bathroom then proceed to get a bloody nose. Lurrve being pregnant. Sleep is for the weak.Resume toss and turn nightly … [Read more...]

To the Woman with the Fang Toothed Foul Mouthed Dog Behind Me

Hey Lady,What's your problem? Are you always so grumpy and mean in the morning? Does the smell of parvo vaccines and Alpo make you antagonistic at that time of day? I really tried to be nice as I stood in line in front of you yesterday at the vets office. Were you mad because I got there first? I'm sorry that two months ago I scheduled an appointment before you. I really wanted to like you too because you seemed like such a sweet little old woman. Even when your under bite ridden fang toothed lap dog started growling and sneering what was surely a string of doggy obscenities at me and I tried not to laugh at his Jennifer Beale's Flashdance styled complete with the rolled up sleeves sweatshirt. Really, I tried. Except for this. This one thing. When I politely moved away to the farthest … [Read more...]