Scene: Bedtime. I am reading the girls a story out of a Richard Scarry book. As I read I point out objects on the intricately drawn pages and ask TD what each object is. V: OK, and what is this?TD: A windmill.V: Good. And this? TD: An axe.V: Great! What do you use an axe for?TD: Um... cutting people up! V: (I burst out laughting and look down at her sweet upturned face.I caress her cheek with my hand and squeeze her little chin. Tiny pin pricks of tears well in my eyes. She is my child! I smile.) Well, yes you could use an axe to cut people up but it isn't very nice and would hurt them a lot. Unless they are already dead. What you really want to use an axe for is cutting and chopping up … [Read more...]
Detachable Penis
Scene: The breakfast table. It is barely 8 a.m. and I am working on my first cup of coffee. T.D. sits across the table from me. The Fifth Element is in my arms.TD: "Mom? How did The Fifth Element get in your tummy?"V: "What? Oh, you mean how did I have The Fifth Element?"TD: "Noooo.... How did The Fifth Element get IN your tummy?" V: (Nervous smile, shooting eyes heavenward, thinking, "It is too early! Where is H when I need him?!") "Eeehh, in my tummy. Right. Well...." Swig coffee likes it is bourbon. And then I said the thing I swore I would never say because it is so cliched and so cheesy and as H put it 'wildly inaccurate because any two incestuous rednecks can make a baby!" I … [Read more...]
Overheards- Clowns
Scene: TD and I are out for a walk, just the two of us. We pass by a house with the front door open so she can see inside their foyer. A two foot high clown dressed in a green and gold lame costume is standing like a sentry in the corner.TD: OOOhhh, look at that clown. I love that clown. I want that clown in our house.V: I don't know about that. I don't really like clowns. TD: You don't like clowns?! (This cannot be! How can someone not like clowns?)V: No, they creep me out. Clowns scare me.TD: They scare you? Why? V: I don't know. They just do. Some people just don't like clowns. (I shudder as I think of all the scary clowns from my life- the red, white and blue one that hung in my nursery as a child. I can … [Read more...]
Styrofoam
I don't think H's grandmother had any idea that a box packed full of styrofoam peanuts would have quite this effect on TD or our house. (Pardon the poor video quality, it was dark, it was my phone.)Later, she was absolutely convinced that there was one special styrofoam peanut that was her new best friend. Then, she lost him. Yes, it was a him. When I tried to humor her and look for "him" with her I began to wonder if she was messing with me. V: What does your best friend look like?TD: He's green and small.V: Right. Green and small. Anything else?TD: He can sit up.Impressive.I glanced at H across the room who was trying to stifle a laugh as he swept up the sea of peanuts laying waste to our floor. I mouthed, "I think she is fucking with me." Twenty minutes later she was still mourning the … [Read more...]
Overheards- Conversations with a Four Year Old
Scene: Making lunch and talking with TD the other day.TD: All dinosaurs are gone now. There are no more dinosaurs. They are extinct. V: That's right!TD: When I grow up I want to be a paleontologist. Then a Mom.V: That is a great a idea. A really good plan.TD: Actually, I want to be President too. V: Wow. Really? (Somehow I am not surprised. The girl is obsessed with Barack Obama aka "Rock O'Mama" according to her and she's named after another President.)TD: Yup. I want to be President first. Then a paleontologist, then a mom. V: You are going to be super busy! Good for you for having a plan.TD: Yes, I am. I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with honey too. That's cause they are … [Read more...]
Overheards- Queen Edition
Scene: TD and I are heading home from a long, fun day at the pumpkin patch. My iPod is blaring Queen in the car.TD: "WHAT?! Another one bites the what?!"V: "The dust. Another one bites the dust."TD: "Blech! I don't want to bite dust. That's gross! Is there a song that is the opposite of that? Is there a "Another One Doesn't Bite Dust" song?" V: "No, there isn't one of those songs." I try not to laugh.TD: "Oh. (thoughtful pause) Because I would like that song." … [Read more...]
Overheards: Corn Hole
Scene: We are all gathered around the table eating dinner. From our table we can view much of our neighborhood street.H: Looks like our neighbors are playing Corn Hole again.TD: DADDY! Don't say that word. That word is a bad word! Corn Hole is baaad!!!!I almost spew my food and snort with laughter as she continues to mutter under her breath about how Daddy shouldn't use such bad language. … [Read more...]
Overheards- When I’m Older
All this week I have heard nothing but, "When I'm older...", "When I'm twelve..." and "When I'm a Mommy..." Scene: My bathroom. Both girls are crowded into it twirling around in princess dresses and throwing make-up, bottles of lotion and hairbrushes around the room with wild abandon. It's a fourth floor loft and I'm beginning to heat up and lose my patience as I try for once this week to actually do more with my hair than put it into a pony tail. TD: Mommy, when I grow up I am going to have different rules.V: Really? TD: Yes, I am going to have very different rules than you and Daddy.V: Mmhm... like what?TD: In my house we will chew with our mouths open and no one will find it "disgusting" or bad manners. We'll … [Read more...]
Overheards- Jail Time
Scene: The whole family is in the car. We've been out all day furniture shopping for the girls new room.TD: "How long is jail?"H and I exchange glances while idling at a stop light. V: "What do you mean, "How long is jail?"TD: "Just tell me. How. Long. IS. JAIL?!" She is already exasperated.H and I exchange looks again.H: "Why do you want to know?"TD: "I just need to know is all!" V: "OK, pumpkin listen, jail has various times. It's not just one set time. So again, why do you want to know?"H: "It depends on what you have done. If it is a small bad thing it isn't for very long. If it is a big bad thing it is for much longer."V: "Right. Sometimes jail time is for the rest of your life too, if you have done something … [Read more...]
We’re Doing Something Right
There are so many days, moments and even weeks where as a parent you wonder if you are doing anything right. It is hard to see the big picture and not be stuck in the muck and mire of daily living and realize that maybe; just maybe you are doing something right as the parents to your kids.I had a moment like that today. TD was playing with her dollhouse, something I bought for her with such great expectations at Christmastime and one of those toys that did not hit the mark. As she set up the house and played with the dolls, I heard her say, "It's OK. What seems to be the problem? Oh, well, if something is broken, that is OK. Just tell me and we'll try to fix it together." It seems small but it was in that quiet moment that I realized she is actually listening and learning to what we have … [Read more...]