To all you women out there who bring your many tiny tots to the grocery store all at once I commend you. I. Just. CANNOT. Handle. It. At all.Granted, I can't seem to get the handle of the Ergo Baby while holding a purse which would free up the cart versus putting the baby carrier in there because there is NO grocery cart for people with a toddler and a young baby. None. Sure, I can use the car cart but then the seat to balance the baby carrier is always too small. I end up placing her sideways over the basket and have minimal access to the cart and ooh I'm already sweating and stressing out before I have even entered the store. Now, H can handle all this. He just sticks TD in the cart and straps Dash Two into the Baby Bjorn and goes. It's all stress and nightmares for me no matter … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: After completing a round of Pilates yesterday morning I head to the shower. TD follows after me holding a pink ribbon. TD: Momma, I'm doing kwaties. Me: Kwaties? You mean pilates?TD: No! Kwaties. Ka-wha-tieeess (speaking slowly to me as if I'm slightly special.)Me: Kwaties, huh? That's cool.TD: Yeah. I learned it from Mary.Me: Mary? Who is Mary? Does she go to your school? Is she on TV?TD: (Slightly exasperated) No, Momma. Maaarry. Mary and her purple lamb. And I have to use my belt. Like dis! (circles pink ribbon around her waist and holds it there.) See? I'm going to do Kwaties now. Bye!Me: You are blowing my mind kid. Just blowing my mind. And freaking me out. Just a little bit. I seriously don't want any encounters with a purple lamb in my house. … [Read more...]
Close to Me
"Momma, can I sit next to you while you eat breakfast?"I hear this almost every morning. There is much chair scraping as she drags her kitchen chair right up next to mine. After a few moments she asks, "Momma, can I sit in your lap while you eat your breakfast?" Her big brown eyes look up at me with a quiet excitement I can't remember ever possessing. After placing her on my lap she pauses and then burrows into me, compacting herself into a tiny ball. She squirms as if she is looking for a spot that will position her even closer to me. These days it is never close enough. If she could I imagine she would soon ask, "Momma, can I carve you open and crawl back inside?" … [Read more...]
Overheards in a Wegman’s Bathroom
Scene: TD and I are in the luxurious by public bathroom standards Wegman's family bathroom stall.TD: Momma, where is the baby in your tummy?V: The baby is Dash Two and I had her at the hospital. She is not in my tummy anymore.TD: I don't have a baby in my tummy. You feed Dash Two with your big nipples?!!? V: (cringing slightly) Yes... TD: I have little nipples. I feed Dash Two with a bottle?V: Yes, you do. TD: Well, that just makes much more sense, Momma.V: Completely. I can just see this being reprinted in a future edition of Reader's Digest. … [Read more...]
To Be Three
"Momma..." a small voice whispers dangerously close to my ear. "Momma, it's frozen outside there's noooo schooooool today." Ugh. It feels like it is barely morning and already she is whining.Then I remember that if there is no school, then I can sleep in a bit more. Suddenly, TD catapults herself onto the bed and is mere millimeters from my face. "Momma!! It's NOT frozen outside! There is SCHOOL!!" She cackles wildly and propels herself off the bed. She if off on another adventure.I crack one eye open and groan. … [Read more...]
Beer Me
"This is your beer Mommy. This is your beer. You sip it. Just sip it." TD holds out her Itty Bitty baby's sippy cup to me. It's just over a thimble full. I check the clock and it states that it is only 11 a.m. The question to ask is: Do I start drinking now if my kid gives me permission? I tell her thank you and she states, "Now, you don't have to share with Daddy."She's generous and smart. … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: The dinner table. Ah, dinner time. The place where we have so many stimulating conversations these days. You know, world events, class structure, the economy and shopping apparently.TD: You pooped in your pants. You pooped in your pants at the couch store!Me: What?! Are you talking to me?TD: "YES! Mommy pooped in her pants at the couch store!" She cackles with laughter and almost falls out of her chair.H looks at me as if he really has to inquire if this happened or not. Pregnancy may have made things in the urinary department less than stellar for now, but umm.. there is no pooping in the pants. The subject of poop is quite hilarious to TD these days. All you have to do is say the word and you are George Carlin, Seinfeld and more to her.On a more serious note, read my latest over … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: Dinner at our house last night. TD has become an expert at making excuses on why she cannot possibly eat anymore of her dinner. It's a nightly battle. Me: Just a few more bites. Eat your dinner! TD: I just have to chew this. (The kid is a pro on chewing her dinner like a cow chews cud. One bean can take about fifteen minutes to efficiently grind to a pulpy mess.)Me: No! Eat another bite! (Thinking to myself: Hmm...the delay tactics are strong in this one.)TD: I just need to have to have a sip of my waaaattterrr.H: Eat now or you will go to bed!TD: (Shuffling in her seat and doing a jig and jabbing her stomach with both hands.) Nooo! My tummy hurts!Me: Your stomach hurts because you keep poking it. Stop that!! EAT!! For the love of!This goes on for about fifteen more … [Read more...]
Just Call Me Oscar. Oscar the Grouch.
The fact that I am not a morning person is legendary. Like wine I've gotten better with age but I've been known to snarl, grunt, curse people out, glare a thousand death rays and give a stone-cold silent treatment like nobodies business. This was all before the age of twelve too.Once I hit college and had a roommate I had to soften my ways and learn to adjust a bit but there was nothing I liked more than silence in the morning, a bit of talk radio droning on and a cigarette alone as I made my way to class. If a book or morning paper was thrown in while I ate breakfast I was so freakin' happy you would think I actually liked mornings. That is if you saw me from a distance and didn't actually try and talk to me.So you know what is not conducive to this type of behavior? Toddlers.Toddlers … [Read more...]
I’ve Turned Into a Toddler
Well, this is handy! I realized the other day that at nine months pregnant I've regressed enough to being on the same level as TD. I'm suddenly 2 and have more in common with my kid than our brown eyes. Looking for maternity photographer Sacramento? Contact Tsaiti Babella Photography to capture this unforgettable stage with style and heart. 1. We both have "issues" putting our pants on every day. Socks are a total bitch and forget tying our shoes. We just can't handle it. It might bring on a meltdown from sheer frustration too. 2. While we like to think we are adequately potty-trained our bladders sometimes have other ideas. 3. We require many snacks and afternoon naps. If we don't get them a meltdown of epic proportions might happen. Again from sheer frustration. 4. We get … [Read more...]