"See my nipples? See my nipples? OH! Where did my nipples go?!" TD says all this as she toodles on by on her tricycle at barely 7 a.m. in the morning.I'm not sure I'm ready for this type of conversation this early in the morning.Now she's fallen over from trying to shove a ball under her shirt.Obviously she has gone to the OB/GYN a few times with me recently because I don't think that 'Super Why' is teaching her this stuff. Somehow I can't see Alpha Pig spelling out the word nipples.Last night she had a mock-a-rita. Can we say someone is missing drinking at almost 8 months in? This thing consisted of lime-ade, lemon-lime soda and strawberries. I have never given this kid soda before and now I can see it will never be happening again. After sucking every ounce she could out of her glass and … [Read more...]
A Note From Your Mother
Dear Child Living in My House (aka TD),I love you. I really do. But WTF kid? Why were you suddenly waking up at least four times last night? Your reign of tyranny is going to have to come to an end soon. Your father and I are both at our wits end and that does not make for a pleasant household. Now we are on sleep deprivation torture? Do we need to start bartering with you for peace? A few cases of candy cigs perhaps? Signed,Your Tired, Worn Out, At a Loss MotherP.S. When I open your bedroom door this morning to let you out of what I will now refer to as your cage or holding cell please refrain from yelling, "You a witch Mommy!" It's just so not cool kid. Not cool at all. … [Read more...]
Overheards
Scene: H reading to T.D. at nap time yesterday. They are reading the book, Clever Beatrice. The sweet tale of a young girl who tries to defeat a giant.T.D.: I have a giant too, Daddy!H: You do? Where is your giant? I haven't seen him!T.D.: It's right here! Near my butt! (Points to her groin area)H: That's not a giant T.D. That's your vagina. … [Read more...]
TG (mother f’n)F!
When I opened the door to T.D.'s room this morning she threw a heavy sippy cup at me. I dodged it otherwise I would have gotten socked clear in the gut. I immediately thought, "So that's how it's going to be today...thank God it's Friday!"Oh wait.No H.The weekend is just a regular set of days with no relief. No sleeping in. Oy.I think at that point I just blocked everything out and began fantasizing about this impending new show and all the reports of leaks, gossip and such that have been circulating the last week or so. It was my 'Calgon Take Me Away' moment. Either that or I was hearkening back to a time when children who threw heavy cups of milk at me were not even blip on my radar.Speaking of which, I really need to clean my bathtub. Is 9 a.m. too early to begin swilling vodka … [Read more...]
New Experiences with a Toddler-#41
The annual exam at the OB-GYN. That's right. I took T.D. with me yesterday never giving it a second thought that the last time she went was in her carrier at that lovely 6-week post-partum check-up. She was angelic and sweet. She was asleep. This time?We packed toys, books, toys that needed to be reviewed and lots of praying to the toddler good behavior gods. Please let her not touch anything icky, specimen-oriented or longer than the average-sized q-tip. Please.We had a narrow miss in the bathroom when she discovered the fun little cabinet that people leave their urine samples in. Just as I was washing my hands I saw from the corner of my eye her little fingers opening the door and reaching in. "NO!", I yelled. I think the waiting room and the office next door to the OB-GYN heard me. … [Read more...]
Damn this Consistency Thing Called Parenting
I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be sleepless nights, bad diapers, crying jags and sickness. I knew that some days I would just want to throw in the towel. That I would flop down on the couch too exhausted to even watch 'The Riches'. But really? I just never knew parenting could be this hard. This exhausting. That the amount of consistency that is needed would be this constant.Call me a moron right now ladies and gentlemen, but damn toddlerhood is tiring. Parenting is exhausting. The energy factor alone can be daunting but when they get in that Rain Man mode of repeating things with the exact same pitch in each word each and EVERY time they say it (which would be 80 times in a 30-second span) no one told me that you would want to run screaming out the front door. No one told me … [Read more...]
Continuing in the vein (OK that just sounds gross) of Project Life Change I'm not working today. The pull is strong and it means that tomorrow I will have to work doubly hard but I feel it is time for a day of rest. I knew going into this work from home thing that in effect I would never actually leave work. Especially when I happen to leave my laptop on all the time and out in the open. It tempts me. Holding court on whatever surface it lands. Beckoning me like a siren to type more words. Blog one more thing. I will resist today and live in the day.I'll take a walk with TD despite the fog rolling in off our almost completely dried up river. We will do some fun crafty project involving leaves I think and read lots of books. We might return some picture frames as well but at least I'm not … [Read more...]