Words

Words.  They are powerful.  Once they are said you can’t take them back.  They float out there and then immerse themselves into your brain and your heart and live there forever taking up a permanent residence.

Words can take away love.

Words can break a trust.

Words wound and slash away at memories, clouding the ways things are now forever viewed.

They erode a life and cause so much doubt.

The songs that used to make my heart beat stronger with love and happiness now only cause heartache and a deep sadness and feelings of wonder.  I wonder what happened and where did it all go so wrong.

I look in the mirror and think, “Is this really the face of a woman that you now hate?  That makes you so angry?”  I doubt your love. I don’t believe you.  How can I when what you have said is so raw, painful and full of no emotion.  As the words are said they sound so flat and lifeless but in fact, they are full of a power that sucks the life out of me.

I don’t know where to go or what to do anymore.  I only know that there is only doubt and a feeling of evasiveness.  The grief that this could be ending is unbelievable like living in a molasses bubble.  I can’t catch my breath.  It makes me tired.  I have failed and there aren’t even answers on how I did so and what can be done to fix it.  I may be physically standing but inside everything is coiled and curled into the fetal position withdrawing more with each minute and getting tucked away into a dark corner, very deep in an area I never want to access again. Only because I don’t know if I can trust anything again. 

I feel that suddenly I am right back where I was in my early twenties when I was struggling to find my way out of so much anger and hatred.  Except now there is only sadness and it is your anger and hatred I am looking at.  There are no answers for me to work with and I don’t know if we can work towards an understanding and a resolution. For now there is no advice.  There is just loss.