More Truthiness

Continuing into the new year I’m going to keep doing the Thirty Days of Truth. I figure by next December I’ll be at number fifteen at least.  Today’s post is sponsored by the letter F, as in Forgiveness.  Write about something you  have to forgive yourself for. 

I asked a few people this question about themselves and got no real answers.  It’s not a question you can just ask off the cuff, I suppose.  I know I have been brooding about it for quite a bit.  I’m a live with no regrets type person so trying to find something I have to forgive myself for is quite difficult.  I forgave myself for the bad relationships I entered into a long time ago.  I forgave myself for spending my first two years of college miserable, at a school that was not a good fit for me.  I have forgiven myself for making poor choices concerning friends and money as well.  I just can’t hold onto that stuff and keep letting it linger on my heart and in my head.  It takes up too much space and time and doesn’t do me or anyone else any good.  It was never easy but I did it.

Maybe I should forgive myself for being so forgiving?  That makes no sense.

I am really hard on myself as a parent.  I tend to hold onto guilt with incidents with the kids that maybe I shouldn’t harbor quite so much.  It’s hard to say and justify though. They are still little and I haven’t had to pay for therapy yet.  I probably shouldn’t beat myself up so much internally after I discipline them.  I know that is what I need to do in order to turn them into productive members of society who know how to behave in public and don’t feel like the world owes them a favor.  God only knows I don’t want that bratty kid from those Toyota Highlander commercials popping up in my back seat and claiming me as his mother.  Egads!  That kid makes me spitting mad.  I digress though and probably should be a bit more forgiving on myself for how I interact with them. I always feel like I can’t devote enough time to them individually and that I am not giving enough to them.  I need to relax and be alright with how our days flow and be less focused on how much we accomplish and what “fun time” I can cram into a day.  It can’t always be days filled with endless play just like it can’t always be days of tasks and non-stop errands.  I need to learn to forgive myself for being so hard on myself about how I am as their mother.  I can only do so much at any given time and I have to learn to be OK with that. 

I think part of this exercise is supposed to relieve you of burdens but this one has just made me ponder things more and sigh heavily.  I can’t think about that now, I’ll think about that tomorrow.