OK. So I’m not giving away free counseling sessions or anything like that. But I realized yesterday that frequently people ask me, “How is marriage counseling going these days?” Yes, people do really ask me this. My most common reply is this, “You know, no one ever teaches you how to be married. It’s going really well. I don’t know why more people don’t do it.”
It’s true. They say that what you see from your parents relationship imprints itself on you as the model for how relationships and/or marriage should be. However, that is a faulty template. You were a child not seeing the whole picture of that relationship. Almost as if you were the Titanic seeing only the tip of the iceberg and not what was lying just below the surface. As a child you were immature and could not process things in the same way and it makes for a skewed vision of that relationship. Yet that is what you do take away and use later in life. It’s not complete. Your training is not complete either.
You need a Yoda, if you will, to guide you and create a force in your marriage that builds up reserves and ways to handle your own unique relationship and personalities. What works for some isn’t what works for all. Relationships are not one size fits all. Trust me, I see my friends and sometimes think, “Really? You like that shirt?” or “You don’t mind that your spouse does that?” They truly don’t mind that the other person does those things or acts that way. They like striped shirts with polka dots.
We go to school to learn the basics. We get on the job training. It’s all totally acceptable. So there’s nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to marriage counseling. But why is their such a stigma about seeking help whether it is for your marriage, PTSD or some other problem you may be facing?
I totally agree. Marriage is not easy and over the years those little tiny resentments, let alone the big messups, can really build up giant walls. Sometimes you need a third party help you sort out those trouble spots and see if it is fixable.
If it wasn't for marriage counseling, I'd be a single mom right now. When my husband and I had problems in 2008, it was only through a year of weekly counseling sessions that we found a way to stay together. I honestly thought it was over at the time, and only wanted a third party opinion to back me up. Instead, our counselor helped us heal the wounds and find a relationship again. Glad it's going well for you, too!
True, brave and real post. Counseling means health and goodness!
We’ve had three bouts of marriage counseling in the past 16 years and have benefitted greatly every time. Before the third bout, I used to feel fortunate that we always went before things got too terribly bad and that was the reason it was of such great benefit. But the 6 months before the 3rd bout were really the worst ever, and we still came through the other side stronger.
My counselor(s) over the years have often said that the will to want to make things better is a huge determining factor.