Quite often I am the lucky recipient of incredibly gross behavior that requires me to say things that are even beyond my disgusting, perverse comprehension. I am the one who wanted a book called, “The Wonders of the Scab.” Parenthood however has revealed a whole other level of nastiness.
“Stop putting things in your butt and trying to eat them!”
“You cannot eat the snotty tissue, even if your Father did leave them all over the bedroom floor.”
There is obviously the normal ones too-
“Don’t pick your nose.”
“Don’t pick your nose and eat it.”
“You cannot pick your nose and wipe it on your bedroom walls.”
“Yes, you do have to wipe.”
“No, wiping does not consist of smearing poop on the bathtub.”
Sigh. I’m exhausted just typing up this list of disgusting things. That’s the part about parenthood that no one tells you. Yes, it is loud. Yes, it is messy. There is spit-up and snot. There are mountains of diapers and you are covered in more bodily fluids than you ever knew were possible but no one tells you how absolutely gross, putrid and stinky parenthood can be.
I, for one, never thought I would have to use a sock to wipe my kids ass in the woods one day. Did you?
Thank you for being my birth control.- E