Giving In But Not Giving Up

I could feel my temper rising and my nerves flaring up as a bitter little voice in my head screamed, “No school on Tuesday! Again! Really?  I mean come on! That is one of my only two actual work days and I have to keep giving them up?!”  I wanted to scream out loud.  Instead I whispered, “Son of a bitch!” as I glared at The Fifth Element and Comedian’s school calendars.

I had already forgotten my phone at home that morning due to starting the day with some serious early risers cutting into my fleeting and precious work time. I was frazzled, out of sorts and generally a bit screechy. We left the house in a rush and I cursed to myself on the car ride to school for losing the half hour between drop-off times for both girls where I return emails from my phone.  I try very hard to segment my work days and times to consist of early mornings before the kids get up work-time and the days when all are in school for three hours all at once. That is a total of six hours (almost one full work day) that I get with no children.  Just me, meeting deadlines.  At least that is how I envisioned it but so far two months in it isn’t working out quite as I had hoped.  When I don’t get that or I lose a day it means all week-long I’m playing catch up.  It can get ugly.

 

There are parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments and other things that end up popping up and taking precedence.  My work falls to the wayside and I am back at square one, waking up even earlier, squeezing in columns at nap time and generally feeling very burnt out with patience for no one.  I turn into Momzilla and I stress eat like a mofo and generally act like an ass.

You would think I have this mastered now but with three kids always growing and changing so does our schedule.  What was a free day last year may be our craziest day this year.  The thing that I’m continuously having to teach myself and re-teach myself is this one lesson.

Give in.  Do not give up.

I remembered this lesson today as I bent down to hug The Comedian good-bye at preschool drop-off.  She pulled me into a hard hug and breathed my scent in as if trying to keep its memory with her all day.  My hug fueling her up for a long day at school.  I felt myself melting into her and doing the same.  It was there that I realized again that I need to remind myself that they are only this little for such a short time.  The Halloween parade that will suck up the my morning means the whole world to them, even if I have to do it on two separate days for two different kids, and I should be there to see it, not at home trying to re-work a tagline or edit photos.

When H and I made the decision for me to stay home with our oldest daughter, TD, almost seven years ago it was primarily to care for her and create a life that was less chaotic.  The fact that I could write on the side was a bonus.  It still is and it is one that I relish and know that the opportunities given to me and my family have been worth it about 95% of the time.  I don’t want to give up what I do and my hopes to create more work as they grow up are still there and coming to fruition.  The part I struggle with most is trying not to feel bitter, frustrated or left behind when real, lovely and messy life creeps in and I don’t get to keep up with my carefully curated schedule.

It is then I must say to myself in almost a chant, “Give in right now. Just for the moment. This isn’t giving up.” This little life is fleeting.  It will be gone in mere seconds and you really don’t want to miss it.   Work will be there to go back to, but your family may not if you resist putting in the time today.

I’m calmer already.