The Comeback

The line, “Don’t call it a comeback…” from ‘Mama Said Knock You Out‘ by LL Cool J has been playing over and over again in my mind the last few weeks. It has a double meaning for me. Yes, I’ve been here for years. Here in this space but mainly in this realm of not being well. My life as I knew it was forever altered last year by Lyme disease and I’ve been beating myself up over it and my lack of abilities ever since.

It suddenly became very real to me that I needed to forgive myself and fast.

It seems so simple, right? Just say, “Ok, self. You’ve been unwell. You have had to make changes to your personal life as well as your family life in order to get well. Do what you need to do.” My diet had to change. That doesn’t mean I’m changed. My ability to work and identify myself as that person who does that particular job is now gone. That’s fine, right? Are you OK with that?

The answer that kept circling around in my anxious brain was a resounding, no. I wasn’t OK with that. I thought I was but then when I started to FINALLY feel better in April and have more good days than debilitating days and I just reverted right back to my old self.  The self who felt the need to strive and achieve 24/7.  The one who sneaks in bits of work and beats herself up internally if I miss just one work out, who cannot stop moving around my house like a shark in search of food but one doing endless projects or tasks around the house. I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS!

You know what happens next.  I wore myself out.  I hit a wall and got really mad at the wall and myself.  I relapsed a bit healthwise and placed even more guilt on myself. Why couldn’t I just slow down?  Why? Because I wanted to be like everyone else.  Sick or not sick this disease cannot define me is what I kept saying to myself (and still do) but it was taking my ability away to see clearly.  At least that is what I thought.  I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t always striving to be the best, in control, doing all the things and making it look effortless.

Ick.  I hate it but I’m sure you know this version of yourself all too well in some form or another as well.  Am I right?

The guilt I felt over napping, not doing punishing workouts or being able to complete them was always playing some sick song in my head.  I couldn’t have a comeback at this rate.  If I sat and read a book while my friends were working or my husband was toiling away in his office, I felt guilty because I wasn’t working like everyone else. In my mind, I wasn’t contributing.  I’m nothing if I’m not always creating, contributing monetarily or doing.

I needed to forgive myself and OH, YEAH- GET OVER MYSELF.  That was me seeing more clearly. I need to get over myself. And it is not because “I’m sick.” Which by the way? I am so over hearing about how sick I am.  It’s because this is the new me.  Vicky 3.0.  Fuck Vicky 2.0 and her ridiculous ways.  Harsh?  Not to me.  In my brain, the only way I can ever get past something is to swear a lot and often.  Years ago my personal mantra was, “Fuck everyone.” It upset my mother.  However, it got me over caring what others thought about how I lived my life, parented my kids, did my work, and handled my marriage.  It was none of their business. Insert mantra here. It wasn’t about being selfish and only caring about me. It was saying, “Fuck what all the others say, do and think about my family and me and what works for us.  I need to do right by us, not them. That’s what matters.”

The comeback if I really want one is forgiving myself and allowing the new me to live fully. That’s where the forgiveness comes into play. Forgiveness for me right now might mean saying to Vicky 2.0, “Fuck that.  Fuck all the noise in your head about who you used to be.  You have moved beyond that.  What works for you and your family right now is a path to healing and that’s just fine. ” So what that you can’t drink, stay up past ten o’clock or eat every processed shitty food.  So what? Who cares?  You are happier and more relaxed than you have ever been before.  It’s only when you started beating yourself up about going back to the old you that you got off the path and relapsed. ”

That’s not OK.  My therapist told me to ask other women who were not Type A perfectionist about their days.  What was their schedule like and their daily routine?  That was eye-opening.  Even unwell I was getting up earlier than everyone else in my house and I didn’t need to do that.  Each day I had a list of tasks that I felt demanded my attention. Most of them were unnecessary and you get the idea.

Yesterday, I went to the pool with my kids and just read a book.  I felt guilty I wasn’t being productive but in reality, I was being super productive.  My body was in pain and tired. I  needed rest.  Laying in that lounger gave me the ability to then cook dinner pain-free.  When I got home late from dance rehearsal for my daughter I felt guilt over needing to take a detox bath. It might disturb my husband who was already in bed.  I did it anyway because my body was screaming for relief.  He didn’t care one way or another. He just wants me well and not because I need to be productive.  He just wants me around for longer because he loves me.

Forgiveness means loving myself more.  It means accepting that I’m a work in progress. Sick or not, isn’t that always the case for all of us?

So maybe it is a comeback after all but a different one than I could have ever imagined.

These things have made me happy recently. They bring a smile to my face when I pull them out of my closet or use them.