If you see me with my shoulders hunched up, gritting my teeth and only smiling during my thirty second vacation, it is probably due to the fact that I live with "Wendy the Whiner". Holy hell. The three's. Are they over yet? I had to laugh when I read this post (it is A LOT like possession) because this last year has been tough. Really tough. I feel like I'm climbing Mt. Everest and my boots have no spikes. It's all uphill ice and I keep slipping back to base camp one. No matter what "techniques" we employ the whining continues."The beatings will continue until morale improves." No, not really but that quote runs through my head and H's more often than not. It's not just whining when she doesn't get her way, which I understand is frustrating. Trust me, I would like nothing more than to … [Read more...]
Another Scintillating Blog Post
In other news-TD has eaten a pound of yogurt this morning. Literally. How do I know? Half the two pound container is now gone. The girl has to have the healthiest digestive system on the planet. She should be Stonyfield Farm's spokesperson or ambassador to the non-yogurt eating out there. TD's digestive tract could kick Jamie Lee Curtis's digestive tract in a dueling yogurt fight any day of the week. Bring it on Ms. Curtis! TD double dog dares you.She has also informed me that it is Cuppy's birthday. That time of year again already? Where does the time go. To celebrate she has instructed that we all eat Halloween candy. That is the way Cuppy wants it. She's clever. It must be all that yogurt she's eating. I can't stop scratching. My hands, wrists and ankles are on fire. I feel possessed by … [Read more...]
Scenes from Halloween
Brace yourself- kid pics ahead. Giant peacock attacks Strawberry Shortcake. News at 11. Steven Adler carves a pumpkin. And yes, we really do call her that on a regular basis. Peacock and Shortcake make nice for the sake of hunting candy and other miscellaneous loot.And, no that is not a wig that TD is wearing. I really did color her hair hot pink. … [Read more...]
Red Rum & Laments- This is Halloween
Just like the Christmas holidays and the start of the summer, there are movies that I simply love (read: MUST) to watch in order to truly feel the spirit of the season. What? You don't watch Jaws *every Memorial Day? Just me? Huh.Parenting Advice for when your children need "correcting"? I kid. Is there anything better than 'The Shining' at Halloween?Jack's Lament is truly one of the best songs for singing out loud in your car while cruising down a country lane. Or while stuck in traffic on I-95. Hand gestures are a must.*like a dolls eyes... … [Read more...]
My Parenting Skills Sucketh
1. I believe in teaching TD about caring for her planet. She knows how to recycle. She, uh-oh, likes it. Shh....2. She wants to eat her veggies so she won't um, cough up blood or anything.3. She likes to donate her time and money to worthy and valuable causes. Which, according to Glen Beck makes me a communist. I'm teaching my little comrade, er kid, to shill the White House creed. It's not that I'm teaching her to be a decent human being or anything. Nope, I'm just tainting her as I'm brainwashed by Hollywood, television and Obama. Le Sigh.While I don't love the idea that it takes 30 Rock, Ashton Kutcher or a day at Disney (that's not really what it's about, now is it?) to get people to donate their time to a good cause I am willing to admit that for some this is the best … [Read more...]
Overheards- Eat Your Veggies
Scene: TD and I have spent the morning running errands. Stuck at a stoplight and noshing on some lunch time treats we are on our way home for the remainder of the day. TD: "Momma? Can we have veg-ah-tahbuhls when we get home and have dinner tonight?"V: "Yes, of course. We always do. Why?"TD: "Oh, good! Because if you don't eat your veg-ah-tahbuhls then you cough up blood and die!"V: Coughing on a piece of I turn around to look at her. "Whaaat? Why would you cough up blood?"TD: "Like Mem's cousin. He coughed up blood and died."V: "Of course!" I think to myself, mentally smacking my forehead with my hand. Mem. "Uh, TD, Mem's cousin didn't die because he didn't eat his vegetables. He died because of alcoholism and smoking." Lengthy discussion about what alcoholism and the … [Read more...]
Traveling my Childhood Fantasties
Oh, if only I could uncover the photograph taken of me from Christmas 1985. You would see a pink-sponge curler topped Vicky in a lilac bathrobe clutching a giant tome of a book about the size of my torso while a face-cracking smile threatens to bust through the photograph.For weeks I would drag my mother to the book store so I could gaze longingly at Robert Ballard's book, The Discovery of the Titanic, in all it's full color glory. Filled with beautiful illustrations, actual photographs from the deep sea wreck as well as those from it's maiden voyage, this book was all I wanted for Christmas. I memorized it before I even owned it. Before it was in print I had watched television specials, read articles and checked out every book about the Titanic from my local library. I was a kid obsessed. … [Read more...]
Mary Poppins Can Bite Me
It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was out, the air crisp. The crackle of new library books was all around. Sounds like bliss, right? I should have been beaming, right?Except I wasn't. As I opened the kitchen windows to let in that gorgeous fall breeze all I could think was, "Today is one of those days I wish I was back in an office." I would rather deal with jackass project managers who can't think for themselves, defense contracts and engineers with yellow teeth and even more yellow fingernails than be in the house with my kids today. Or even out of the house with them.My jaw hurt from gritting my teeth. My shoulders were hunched up to my ears and my upper back was burning from it all. I has missed my morning run due to a sick, teething baby and the whole house looked like a plastic … [Read more...]
Disney on Ice and Me
I'm just going to be up front about this. Yes, I was a Disney fan as a kid. Sunday night family movies from Disney made me excited beyond belief. I could not contain my face-cracking smiles and hysteria over meeting the big mouse himself on our family trip to Disney World when I was five.I even had a Mickey Mouse watch in high school. It was leather with a gold on gold face. Subtle, you know? I once ate at Burger King every week for a month just to score all the Jack Skellington 'Nightmare Before Christmas' watches.When I got into my angsty young adulthood Disney, it's corporations and princesses smacked of everything I was against. "No rescue!" I would yell at the princesses that glossed the movie and television screens only to have them stare back at me blankly as they multiplied like … [Read more...]
The Last Pancake
Scene: Breakfast is over for this Sunday morning and clean up has begun. I notice that there is one last pancake left.V: I pick up the pancake and say, "Dare me to chuck this last pancake at the dog's head?"H: "Go for it."I lob it at the dog and it grazes her cheek. Considering the fact that this is a dog that can catch adult-sized birds in mid-flight I am a bit surprised that she doesn't grab a hold of this flying snack. It lands on the floor next to her and in seconds the dog, TD and The Comedian are on this lone pancake like a pack of hungry wolves. After a few minutes of wrestling with her sister and the dog, The Comedian crawls away with only a glance back. Having been nearly shanked by the dog's talons of death she realizes that whatever tiny scrap of pancake she was going to … [Read more...]