The Slowest Death

Folks, allow me to direct your attention to Exhibit A. Now don't be alarmed! They are indeed ugly I know. Hideous, just hideous. They are however only a pair of shorts. Men's shorts. Men's shorts, circa 1991, that at one time were impossibly big on the owner. Notice the heinously inappropriate and blatantly out of style double pleats. The dull and unflattering color of gray. Wake up people! These shorts were worn by the victim in high school! That was 13 years ago! Oh yes, she's a victim alright. A victim in a crime of fashion. Don't avert your eyes. There is probably something very close to this lurking in your closet. You could be a victim too. You probably made the same excuses that she did. Eventually they will fit right. Oh they did. They fit, but they were already hopelessly outdated … [Read more...]

Lord of the Gourds

Yes, really. I got sucked in to some alternate universe last night where I watched for almost a full hour people who are obsessed with pumpkins. Ahem...GIANT pumpkins. These are no ordinary pumpkins people, nor or these growers ordinary.Entranced I was by the unbreakable stares these people had as they watched, yes watched, their pumpkins grow. Did you know that some giant varieties can grow up to 50 lbs in a day?! I know! Mad, I tell you, mad! I found my mouth just hanging open as I watched one man lovingly place Barney blankets on his special fruits daily and then proceed to wrap himself in those very same blankets as he silently stared those orange beauties down for a spell.There was an entirely all too seductive instrumental sequence where one man, much like Quint from Jaws, oiled and … [Read more...]

BASHED!

Imagine that you and your spouse are sipping your way through a second set of Mimosas over a tranquil brunch. Music plays and you can actually hear it. Oh look! There's a guest speaker on the latest hot novel holding court and it's all for you! A dream perhaps? Well, not if you are participating in a day date given by parent P-L-A-Y. parent P-L-A-Y holds day dates in the NYC area (talk of expansion is brewing) and the best part? Baby-sitting services right there at the event only in a totally separate room. I know! It is a dream that can be a reality.So why am I talking about this? Well, parent P-L-A-Y has come up with another genius idea called, BASHED! The ABC's of Party Planning. It's a one day event being held on October 28, in NYC. The Altman Building to be exact (that's Chelsea … [Read more...]

Ryan Gosling Hates Trans Fats

Another night and another dream with a celeb sharing advice with me. What gives? Is it the fresh New England air making me hallucinate enough to see Ryan Gosling berating passerbys?Or Dick Cheney playing slots at Mohegan Sun? Yes, folks. He's not in an underground bunker. He's playing slots and keno at Mohegan Sun. Run for your lives.Don Imus was watching street performers on the roof too right before the fireworks last night. It's a crazy world I tell you when you are living it New England style.So my dream. A young Ryan (think 'Remember the Titans Ryan) is standing on the side of a country road with a bunch of friends. They are yelling eco-world information at passing cars while hurling used plastic water bottles at them. I come upon this whole mess of a scene and say, "Boys! What are … [Read more...]

Consumed!

To date on this version of "Mummy Cruises Home Turf" the following has been consumed.1. No oreos. I'm holding out people. I am resisting the fat! 2. Five clamcakes. Deep-fried goodness oh and with clams.3. Sand. Beach day!4. Screams of Terror as H nearly rear-ended a car much smaller than the Pathfinder as he gaped at yet ANOTHER Dunkin Donuts in the New England area. While not a total fan of 'the Nut' Tim Horton's can kiss my now sunburned tookas.5. Screams of Indignation as my father pointed out my no longer "I've never carried a baby" stomach. Flat most days, not yesterday. Two plates of pasta and meatballs bloated me. Probably that feedbag of popcorn the night before as well.6. Magazines, books- two.7. The Bourne Ultimatum. Can I just say I might have a Jason Bourne thing now? Not to … [Read more...]

Overheards

Standing back a bit in my parents kitchen, I watch my father carve a turkey.My Mother: Do you want more room than that? Here's a plate. (Mom takes shows him the serving platter)My Father: No. I'm fine.M: (Gets out cutting board and places next to platter) Turn around. I have set up a carving place. Would that be easier for you?F: No. (Sighs heavily as the electric carving knife hits the roasting pan.)M: (Moves platter next to roasting pan.) I have a cutting board set up behind you. Here is the platter. Why don't you just carve it up on this. It would be easier. Wouldn't it?F: No. (Hits the inside of the roasting pan again with the knife. The noise makes my teeth tickle) M: Silently moves platter closer to roasting pan.F: Slaps turkey slices onto pan and then... "I can't freakin' carve this … [Read more...]

Jokers, Cake Stains and the Brown Vulva (Ahem..’84 Volvo 240DL)

To My Dear Sweet 240DL,You were never the cool car. You were solid. You could literally roll with the punches. Your jimmied cassette radio provided many hours of excellent tunes. You filled the four door car with numerous tracks of the Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, some Lenny Kravitz, and a little too much of the Reality Bites soundtrack. I loved your convenient shelf right under the radio. You let my pal Joker ride along each day. His wild green plastic hair blowing in your A/C induced breeze. The crazy out of his mind smile bringing as much cheer to you as his purple pants suit did to me. You let me plaster you with Joker pictures and stickers. Yet you, precious, reliable brown Volvo, remained the Vulva (eloquently dubbed so by E) to me. You never minded that I piled in numerous friends to … [Read more...]

Two Things

There are two things in the food world that get me really burned up. Well, three if you count Rachel Ray.1. Fourth Meal- Damn you Taco Bell ad and marketing executives for thinking up this disgusting ploy for more sales. Fourth Meal?! Love the SKINNY guy on the commercial smirking at his cleverness. That's right buddy- keep eating that fourth meal and the next thing you know you'll begging soda throwing Subway over there to have you as their next Jared. Fourth Meal is all that is wrong with the food culture in this country. As if obesity and all the related diseases need another push. I am so thoroughly disgusted each time I hear or see a Taco Bell commercial with this ad I want to scream. Scream and start acting like a complete nut job at some random Taco Bell kicking people out of the … [Read more...]

Just Like Dooce! Only in the not so fun ‘Ed Revisited’ Way

Some of you may recall my ramblings a few weeks ago about a suspicious mole. I had it removed last week. A simple little ten minute procedure where I was in awe of the sickening yet fascinating ways in which my skin could be numbed, burned, cut, and pulled all in such a short span of time. Fun, yet sick, in a fun yet sick kind of way. So surprisingly quick that I took advantage of the sitter and shopped a bit and then headed home. Ha! Fools who joyously shop and use up free baby sitter time unwisely pay in the end. Or at least that is what my addled, tired, and ever circling brain spent much of the night thinking about. That and having my chest cracked open. Basically my doctor called yesterday. A kind little man who is prone to humming as he heats up lasers and threads needles. Not in a … [Read more...]

I think of Leonardo DiCaprio Everyday

Yes. It's true. I think of Mr. '11th Hour' daily. It's not like I'm some crazy stalker person. I'm not. Sure he's nice enough looking, but really it's not like that. It's simply this.Back in 2005 I saw DiCaprio on Oprah (probably one of the last time's I actually sat and watched that show) and he was talking about living green. He explained that it's not a life over hauling thing. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. There are a million and one ways to go about your daily life living greener that actually do make an impact. The way we live has to change and it can be changed. I was riveted. I am all for bettering the planet but it does seem rather confusing sometimes doesn't it? Organic or not? Local vs. convenience of the grocery store. Hybrid car price vs. lower priced more … [Read more...]