Somewhere in the last few months it would be easy to categorize my emotions as saying that I just stopped caring. I stopped caring what other people thought, I stopped caring what I thought about other people and I stopped getting so spun out about work and our schedule.
I lump it all together as if it was all so easy but that’s never the case. It is as if I turned 36 and much like the year I turned 30 it was a fabulous year in so many ways and in other aspects truly awful. The big girl panties I thought I was wearing no longer fit and I had to go up a size. God, that is awful.
I think the death of someone you love dearly, sudden or not, will do that to you. The realization that your child isn’t quite like all the others is another. The added bonus and realization that frienships forged were indeed false and filled with acrimony and loathing, probably from the start and it just put it all into perspective.
One night in the middle of all this muck I found myself sitting alone on my couch and watching the movie ‘The Bachelorette’ with Kirsten Dunst. It’s rally cry, “Fuck Everyone!” hit me like a ton of bricks. Much to the dismay of my mother, I must say. My friends looked at me alarmed and laughed it off nervously and H just stared. Saying this in your head or out loud might seem harsh to some but for me it was exactly the way to exorcise all the pain, guilt, need and sadness that was taking up so much space in my head and heart. It pushed aside all the crap that circled my brain daily, the ways I was trying to fix, resolve and absolve things.
See, I have a hard time letting go of things sometimes. I want to fix situations, friendships, people, all of it. When I can’t I have a hard time just dropping it and moving on. Yet, watching this film, listening to the repeated words, “Fuck Everyone” kind of drove it home. That’s it. That’s what I need to do. If I’m going to crawl out of the grief I’m feeling that has me pinned, facedown to the ground with a spiked-soled boot on my neck then I need to just say, “Fuck everyone!” A lot. It’s not pretty or particularly inspirational. It doesn’t mean I care only for myself and no one else either.
If I’m going to fully remove the toxic relationships and the half-there friendships that don’t fuel or fufill me or them then I need to just say with a massive amount of efficiency, “Fuck everyone.” Then I can go and foster the relationships that are truly important.
And by God, if I am going to make it through Target or the grocery store, the pumpkin patch or any other public place without losing it on the next person who tells me my child is behaving inappropriately, screaming too much, acting unsafe in the cart or anything else that we cannot necessarily change then I need to say to myself, “FUCK EVERYONE!”
It might not be zen. It might not be holy. It might even offend some. But it’s working.
I did that. I said goodbye to some REALLY toxic people in my life. People who made me feel bad about myself. It sucked for a long time but you know what? In the end it was GREAT.
You are an amazing person and you deserve people who love and care about you. Hope to see more of you in 2013.
Thanks Jodi! I’ve felt so much better since deciding to do this. To put my focus elsewhere and be with the people who are there no matter what.
As it has been just over a week since this posting I’m wondering how your new mantra is working for you? Hope well. I have this mental image of you in the middle of Target with TD looking at pretty dresses, The Comedian twirling in circles and the 5th Element just looking at you like “mommy, want a cookie it will make you feel better” while you raise your arms and yell it to everyone in the store.
Too much? Oh well you do know I have an “interesting” imagination so . . .
It’s actually been in effect for a few months and it works like magic! Whenever I get spun out about something that doesn’t really matter I say it internally. Most of the time. It works way better than saying, “It’s not important.” or “That doesn’t matter.” For some reason this is what works best! And no, that isn’t too much- that’s actually a mild scenario these days.