There are some times that I forget that you are gone. I think to myself, it has only been a little while since we last spoke or emailed each other. My brain tells me that I should really pick up the phone and call or send a message. Then I remember that none of those things can happen. The distance that I’m feeling will remain forever and I can’t have those times back.
It’s the season of perpetual hope. I hope for things I cannot have but the anger about it is waning. It is he season of giving once again. The time to be grateful and I am for the time that you gave me. I am grateful for the small memories that bubble up when mid-afternoon hits and I’m folding laundry or grousing about scraping play-doh out of the carpet. I think about recipes to test out for the upcoming season and I want to ask you about them. Except that now I find myself stuck and staring at the phone that isn’t going to ring. I take those memories out, the sound of your laughter, how you always made me laugh so loud I would almost choke and I tumble them over in my mind and hold them close like precious, tiny jewels. You would give up little tidbits of family history I never would hear from my parents and give a different perspective to make things whole and less one-sided. I never doubted you were proud of me because you told me all the time. The older I got the more we had in common and it made us laugh once again at our geeky love for American history, baking and bad fashion. The connection I felt to you as a child grew stronger as I aged instead of waning as it typically does between uncles and their nieces. You made me feel valued, smart and funny each time you had the chance. I’m so glad I knew even during those times just how important and rare that can be.
I will never stop being grateful that your last words to me were “I love you” and followed by a strong hug. It was the best gift you ever gave me and I thank you.
I love that almost every holiday picture, family function or event that I have is of you and I sitting next to each other just like this.
Beautifully written. I love hearing about all of your special memories shared.