Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead!

“AAAAAHHHHH!” That would be the sound of me sighing in relief because today I did the deed.

I woke up Sunday morning and the first thing I thought was, “YES! Only one more day before I can call my doctor to get my Mirena IUD out. YES!” Sad, in a way. I had high hopes for that little t-shaped device. It promised such good things and for five years. I was so excited about it.

So excited that I brushed off the spinny, sparks in my eyes and the dizzy spells I had. The ones that sometimes came on when I turned my head while driving and everything went in slow motion. I brushed off the cramping and lower back pain too. “Meh, that’s normal.” It sort of is. Except when it begins to happen more and more throughout the month, every month. It’s also not normal to lose whole sections of your hair and keep losing it. My pony tail is half as thick as it used to be. I have little hair to begin with, I need to keep all of it around me at all times and not let it float off with the wind or down the drain.

You know what else isn’t normal? Gaining TEN WHOLE POUNDS in eight days. You read that right. All water weight and all enough in one area to make me look four months pregnant. The pressure, bloat and need for new clothes was a complete mind f*ck. It made me depressed and if I had any to spare I would have pulled out my hair. I cried, begged H to tell me I wasn’t crazy. The man looked sad when he said, “I didn’t know what to say but I couldn’t help but wonder- how is she training for these races and working out so hard and yet- getting bigger? I’m sorry but it’s true. You look pregnant.” Hugs all around. Lots of hand holding, crying on H’s shoulder and generally being babied this past weekend.

My body thought it was pregnant. It kept every ounce of water and retained it. I tried running this weekend and all that extra weight made a huge difference in my stamina. I felt so defeated. I looked distorted and my mind felt the same way. I knew it had to go. So long no thought sex. Hello, anxiety every month because I am now going to refuse all hormones.

After I waited over an hour, shivering in a paper blanket with nothing but Twitter to keep me sane my doctor entered the room and asked my why I was removing it. Didn’t I know that it was cause irregular periods? Uh, Dude? I mean, doc? That is totally not why I am here. “Yeah… that’s not it. I’m losing fistfuls of hair daily. My head spins. I’m cramping and I GAINED 10 LBS in EIGHT DAYS! Get. It. OUT!” And he did.

Once removed he held it up and said, “Do you want to keep it for your charm bracelet or anything?” I laughed and said, “Burn it! No, wait! I want to burn it. In effigy!” He tsk, tsked how said it was, “the little guy has four years left in him.” Ugh. Who the F cares about “the little guy.” Not me. I felt instant relief.

Until he said, “You’ll be pregnant in no time. Unless you want the Paraguard….”

Cue me shaking fists skyward, gnashing teeth and yelling, “Damn you pharmaceutical industry and your lack of male birth control!”