Marriage Can Be Fucking Hard

I went for a run the other day and before I was even a block away from my house I coughed up some tears.  My face crumpled, tears flowed and emotion vomited out of me right on the street in from of my house.  I was powerless to squelch it no matter how many times I tried to resume running and stifle the sobs.  I wanted to find a bench and sit with my knees to my chest and just let it all out.

Instead I sucked in a few deep breaths, cranked up some Isaac Hayes on my iPod and started pounding the pavement hard and fast.  I blocked out all thoughts with the sounds of music. Hayes progressed into Steel Dragon (Heh) and then into Depeche Mode and I found myself running even faster.  I was yelling without even realizing it. I am quite sure I looked like a total nut job. 

What the fuck was my problem?  Marriage.  Relationships.  They are so damned hard.  They require so much work.  Twelve years into knowing someone and you can still not communicate properly.  Something you think you are doing they interpret differently and vice versa.  It is no wonder that some countries have a hard time working through their problems when leaders are continuously changing every few years.  You think you know someone and poof! It changes.  It can be a never ending battle that leaves you exhausted and mute.  It’s easier to do that some days, isn’t it?  Throw in a kid or three and it is almost impossible to find a day much less a time to sit down and weave through the mazes of problems that you have let build up over time.

It seems easier to sweep it all under a rug or just tune it all out.  You just want it to be easier.  You want something to be easier.  That’s all.  This person was on your team, on your side and now they are glaring at you from across the room.  How can that be fixed in just one conversation? 

That’s the thing I’m learning, even now, almost ten years into my marriage.  It can’t.  The constant nurturing of kids is the same with a marriage.  I need a reminder of that sometimes like another post-it or mark on my ‘to do’ list.  Take out trash, make dinner, wipe butts, make spouse feel loved, pick up kids at school, remember to have sex with spouse, grocery shop, etc. It never ends.  It can feel soul crushing if you let it.  It can be real easy to start picking each other apart and start keeping score.  That is a game no one ever wins.  It is harder in the mundane everyday to remember why you love your significant other when you can’t remember if you put on deodorant. 

It’s hard to remember it isn’t all about you.  That you live with other people and you can’t live in your head so much.  Marriage.  Relationships.  They are way harder than we sometimes think. They are all those cliches about plants and nurturing and none of it is bullshit.

Comments

  2. says

    I'm back……thinking about this while I do dishes….How much of this do you think is exacerbated by us being only children? A lot, I think. Our DEFAULT is to get stuck inside our heads and have things be all about ourselves. It's damn hard to break that mold. It has been for me, anyway…

  5. says

    I wonder how much has to do with having two children in such a short amount of time. My husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 11 month old (as well as my 10 yo who comes with his own mouthy issues). Right after our middle child was born, we got into a lot of arguments and were just not happy with each other. Same thing happened when the baby was born (but probably worse because we had 2 princess attitudes to deal with in our girls). Getting small amounts of sleep, trying to take care of everything and fitting your expectations to his expectations can be hard. On top of that, postpartum depression can cause it's own issues whether you realize you have it or not. It doesn't have to be as serious as it is portrayed sometimes. It could be just enough to make everything seem infinitely worse than it actually is.Maybe give it some time? Check your instinctive reactions when you can and give yourself a few moments to think before speaking with him. I know I have to do this a lot just because our two little girls and son can drive me up the wall and since I can't take the frustration out on them, it overflows to him. Sorry about the book. 🙂

  6. says

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing about this. Having recently come through a rough spot in my marriage, I wish people would talk MORE about the effort required to put in to making a good marriage, and how to pull through a rough spot.

    • Victoria says

      It’s so true. We finished counseling this Feb. It was a year if it and we have made great strides and built a better foundation. We had stopped learning about each other and growing. We still have our hard times but have better tools to deal with them. Gottman got us through a lot. His books were great for us as a couple. You both have to want the change.