Detachable Penis

Scene:  The breakfast table.  It is barely 8 a.m. and I am working on my first cup of coffee.  T.D. sits across the table from me.  The Fifth Element is in my arms.

TD:  “Mom?  How did The Fifth Element get in your tummy?”

V:  “What?  Oh, you mean how did I have The Fifth Element?”

TD:  “Noooo…. How did The Fifth Element get IN your tummy?” 

V:  (Nervous smile, shooting eyes heavenward, thinking, “It is too early! Where is H when I need him?!”)  “Eeehh, in my tummy. Right.  Well….” Swig coffee likes it is bourbon. 

And then I said the thing I swore I would never say because it is so cliched and so cheesy and as H put it ‘wildly inaccurate because any two incestuous rednecks can make a baby!”  I said-

“Well, when a man and woman really love each other..”  Then I puked in my mouth.  OK, not really, but I wanted to.  “OK TD, let me start over. Men have sperm and women have eggs.  Sperm are a lot like little fish because they can swim.  The man gives the woman sperm to fertilize her egg, just like bees pollinating flowers. Got it?”

She nods, smiling.  I ask, “Are you sure you don’t already know the answer to this?” 

TD:  “No.  Why?”

V:  “Just wondering. So the egg and sperm come together to make a baby that grows in the woman’s tummy and that is how The Fifth Element got into mine.”

TD:  “How did you get the sperm?” 

V: “Daddy gave it to me. It comes from his penis, which he puts in my vagina.” 

TD: (Eyes wide, mouth hanging open) “He takes his penis OFF and gives it to you?!” 

V:  “Not quite.  We have to lay really close to each other to do this.”

TD: “Oh. OK.  And some women have their babies through their vagina’s and others get their stomachs cut open?” 

V:  (Can you tell she’s been around a lot of pregnant women?)  “Yup.  That’s how it works.”

TD:  “When I grow up and have babies I want them to come out my vagina. No ones cutting me open!” 

Aren’t you glad you came here for this sex education class today?