Scaredy Cat

You know that old FDR quote, “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself?” Yeah, I think ol’Franklin took that from his wife, Eleanor. I’m reading My Year with Eleanor: A Memoir currently. While it is Noelle Hancock’s memoir and journey with fear Eleanor’s plight with fear is much highlighted too.

I sat up at 3 a.m., unable to sleep, reading this book last night and thinking about how fear really is such a demotivator. Fear stops me from doing even the most minute things. Like take all three kids to the library for story time. Yes, really. When Hancock pushes herself to do things, small and large, to beat her battle with fear, it resonates with something I have been attempting all summer long. My fear of working less. To me, my job is who I am, it is how I define myself. If I am not hacking away at the keyboard or actively trying to find another project then my fear is that I will dissolve away into the ether. Nothing drives this fear and sends me scrambling more than the week before and after Blogher. Surrounded by such confident, capable and lauded women who have achieved such amazing things just makes me look harder at what I have not accomplished. What fear has paralyzed me from achieving. While yes, I am a busy mother to three young kids and this does take up a majority of my time I can’t help but feel left behind by others who don’t let that be a factor.

This summer I confronted that fear and have been wrestling with it successfully, I think. I have cut back on a lot of projects to simply enjoy life and soak it in more than clacking on my keyboard. Until Blogher loomed so close I still felt really productive. I think though I am conquering this fear and nothing will hold that mirror closer for inspection than how I come down from Blogher next week.

In an entirely other fear related note I realized that fear of looking silly has made me lose some of my goofiness. My mother once told me I reminded her of Ace Ventura at one point. Something I still find a tad bizarre. My husband for one, does not believe it. Let’s just say I could really exaggerate my gestures. Maybe some will remember that part of me. I am going to use this upcoming conference to confront that fear and let that ridiculous girl out again. I’m a bit tired of always playing it safe.