It was just an everyday conversation between H and I that had us relaying the events of the day. When I said it, I didn’t think about it more than just filling H in with what was going on in our world.
“Next Friday I’m seeing the breast surgeon. I FINALLY got in (it has only been about a month and a totally different doctor but you know…) and Beth is going to go with me.” I said.
H looked at me with a quizzical expression and said, “Beth? Why is Beth going with you?” I looked at him and started to realize there was more to this than I originally let myself believe. I answered, “She offered and my Mom is watching the girls and I.. I don’t want to go alone. So yes, she is going. I’m glad. It’s a relief.” H looked at me again and said, “Should I be going with you? Did you want me to go with you? I didn’t even. I didn’t even think about you wanting me to be there.”
Exactly.
It is why I didn’t ask. In our busy lives I didn’t want to ask him to take time off from work. I didn’t want to add more to his schedule and travel time in the car. I didn’t want to make more of this appointment than it is already in my mind. I didn’t want to let him know a lot. The part I haven’t let on because if I actually try to pinpoint down into words how incredibly freaked out I am about the fact that my incredibly dense breast tissue looks just the way cancer does on a mammogram and that the pain has returned or how the way the midwife looked at me when I showed her my red-streaked breast and she sent me off for an emergency mammogram at 4 o’clock on the Friday before Christmas with the words Inflammatory Breast Cancer ringing in my ears and Susan’s face running through my brain. Crikey! Jeezy-freakin’ Petes!
It is MOTHER-FUCKIN’ SCARY.
What is even scarier is that I managed to marginalize myself into a non-existence, “never-mind me” state in our lives. That I didn’t want him to know how scared I am and that I didn’t want to make waves with how I really thought he should be there too.
I hope he goes.
Love you, in spite of time and distance, I mean it. You are important and deserve time and attention. Let me know anytime you need anything, and I will show up. He should go this time, though. 🙂 xoxoxo.
Thank you Laurie & Candi. It means a lot. I personally think this is all hormonal but we have to be cautious because of how it all looks on the mammogram films. The fact that the pain and redness dissipates after my period each month makes the radiologist believe it is hormonal too. I luckily had a routine mammogram in March last year and there is no change between that one and December’s but the pain, the swelling and red streaks causes concern. Plus there is just all that what if so I have to get it checked out.
Ditto what Laurie said. Call me when you have a sec and let me know what’s going on.
Wait what? What’s going on? (He should go with you.)
It’s OK- I have a friend going with me. I really didn’t want him to take more time off for something I think is hormonal. If it isn’t then yes, he will go on the other appt.
Hormonal and due to stress and age and I think even gluten, but also scary and full of a bunch of “what if’s” and “better to be safe than sorry’s”.
Thinking of you and please let me know if you need anything! And yes, he should absolutely go with you and no marginalizing yourself, ok? This is important. YOU are important. XO
I just went through something similar and I felt the same way. I didn’t want him to go because then it was a Big Deal. And also, I figured if I was bedridden for the next year, he’d need to save his vacation time. (Because it was already a Big Deal in my mind, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.)
I went with a friend. And it was good. And everything was ok in the end. Praying the same for you, my friend.
Oh my God Sue- Thank you! I’m so glad you get it. This is exactly how my mind was working. Is working. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so glad things are ok- minus the glue- for you.
My prayers are with you.
Oh No! I JUST saw you. And all I talked about is cars. And now that just seems dumb. This is scary but also, you can’t do much about it until you KNOW so in some ways continuing to live your life and enjoy it as much as possible isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If having a friend come with you means you can enjoy the waiting-til-the-appointment then part of me says good for you! Though I would probably want him there.
Thinking of you…
Let me know if there is anything I can do. Will be praying that everything is all right.