Fifty Shades of Save Your Money

Maybe you haven’t heard but there is a little movie premiering this weekend.  Oh, wait. What’s that? It is the dull roar of millions of fans stampeding to the theaters in hopes of being titillated once again by the acting ability of Jamie Dornan as he portrays Christian Grey.  That’s right; I’m talking about Fifty Shades of Grey.  Are you ready?  Are you ready for this?

The book that made my mouth fall open as many times as Anastasia Steele manages to say, “Oh my!” Then about 80 bazillion more times than that. It wasn’t just because the sex got stale so fast.  It wasn’t the idea that Anastasia was a woman in her early 20’s who never had an email account before a man set it up for her.  Sigh.  No, it was the fact that as my girlfriends swooned over the books, I read them and couldn’t get over the blatant forms of abuse consistently being exhibited. To get the full picture of me reading the books, which I did in secret shame and then sort of in a slogging protest, read this piece by Erin Ryan at Jezebel.  I’ll wait.  It’s funny, I swear.

Got it?  Good.  I’m sorry, but I just can’t guys.  OK, I’m not sorry.  Go ahead and watch the movie, spend your hard earned dollars on yet more of this drivel.  It’s fine. It’s your money.  I love erotica too. This is not that.  As someone who spent years of her life in a relationship quite like the one portrayed in the books and film, minus the helicopter rides, designer wardrobe and garage full of gleaming cars all at my fingertips, I have to say that being told what to do, who to see, who to talk to, what to wear and how to style my hair is not erotic.  It’s not even a smidge romantic.  Nope.  It’s just controlling right down to a base level.  It’s weak and deceptive and loaded with violence. Walking on eggshells and never knowing where you stand or when the person who says they love you will blow up for something as small as a channel change is not love. Being told not to wear your hair a certain way or when you can use your phone  or see your family is no way to live.

It is years of counseling and group therapy sessions with women in similar situations and listening to their scary and endlessly heartbreaking stories.  It is hours of lost sleep because you spent it barricading doors just trying to feel safe at night.  It’s checking your backseat every time you get in your car and feeling so depleted you don’t feel confident enough to pump your own gas.  Totally glamorous, am I right?  I know I felt beautiful every time I looked in the mirror or told myself that he had been through so much worse and I was the only person who understood him.

Here’s the thing ladies, I don’t care if you are into S&M or BDSM.  That doesn’t equate to what I’m talking about.  That’s in the bedroom or the red room of pain or whatever.  If that had been the only thing about Christian Grey’s character and his relationship with Ana then so be it.  But it is not.  E.L. James crossed the line with Grey’s stalking, control issues over Ana’s looks and who she could talk to and even work with on a daily basis.  And that is not love.  It is abuse.  Just because he has money to buy her things like a $50,000 bracelet or fast car doesn’t equate to love.  It’s buying her silence. It is a person so out of control he treats others like they are his property and he is a shitty owner.

So maybe save your ticket dollars and instead choose donate them to a Domestic Violence shelter or even donate your time. It will do more for you than a few hours staring at a screen.