Scene: We are all gathered around the table eating dinner. From our table we can view much of our neighborhood street.H: Looks like our neighbors are playing Corn Hole again.TD: DADDY! Don't say that word. That word is a bad word! Corn Hole is baaad!!!!I almost spew my food and snort with laughter as she continues to mutter under her breath about how Daddy shouldn't use such bad language. … [Read more...]
Overheards- When I’m Older
All this week I have heard nothing but, "When I'm older...", "When I'm twelve..." and "When I'm a Mommy..." Scene: My bathroom. Both girls are crowded into it twirling around in princess dresses and throwing make-up, bottles of lotion and hairbrushes around the room with wild abandon. It's a fourth floor loft and I'm beginning to heat up and lose my patience as I try for once this week to actually do more with my hair than put it into a pony tail. TD: Mommy, when I grow up I am going to have different rules.V: Really? TD: Yes, I am going to have very different rules than you and Daddy.V: Mmhm... like what?TD: In my house we will chew with our mouths open and no one will find it "disgusting" or bad manners. We'll … [Read more...]
Overheards- Jail Time
Scene: The whole family is in the car. We've been out all day furniture shopping for the girls new room.TD: "How long is jail?"H and I exchange glances while idling at a stop light. V: "What do you mean, "How long is jail?"TD: "Just tell me. How. Long. IS. JAIL?!" She is already exasperated.H and I exchange looks again.H: "Why do you want to know?"TD: "I just need to know is all!" V: "OK, pumpkin listen, jail has various times. It's not just one set time. So again, why do you want to know?"H: "It depends on what you have done. If it is a small bad thing it isn't for very long. If it is a big bad thing it is for much longer."V: "Right. Sometimes jail time is for the rest of your life too, if you have done something … [Read more...]
Overheards- The Candy Fairy
Scene: TD, my mother and I are riding in the car on the way home from running errands. TD: "Mommy, do we still have that church chocolate bar?"Me: "Erm, nooo. That's all gone." I know full well that my mother ate it the other day while TD was allegedly napping. We have a whole bag full of them in the pantry too. I just forgot to replace it. Alright! You got me. I was hoping she would forget all about that chocolate bar from Sunday. The kid does not need more candy after the Pixie Stick rampage she went on at Saturday's birthday party.TD: "Where did it go? Who ate it?" Me: "The Candy Fairy ate it." My mother stifles a laugh.TD: "Mommy, the Candy Fairy?" Me: "Yes, the Candy Fairy. She comes into our home … [Read more...]
They Have Computers in Jersey, Don’t They?
Scene: I am on the phone with TD. Me in my CA hotel room, she at my parents home.TD: "Where are you now Mommy?"V: "I'm in California, pumpkin."TD: "Are you going to New Jersey next?"V: "Err..no. Not New Jersey."TD: "Is that because there are no computers in New Jersey?" Man, I really miss that kid. That other one too. What's her name again? I mean what mother that works or travels for occasionally for work actually misses their kids, right? Heh. … [Read more...]
You’re a Bad Mommy
Scene: In the girls bathroom, brushing TD's hair. We are in get ready for school mode.TD: (frowning at her reflection in the mirror. A permanent scowl has been on her face all morning.) "Mommy, you are a bad mommy."Me: (Stifling a sigh and the urge to rip through her hair because all morning has been this way. The frowns. The whines. The cries. The dissatisfaction.) "I'm a bad mommy? Hm..." I wait a beat as she nods in confirmation.Me: "TD, if I was a bad mommy I wouldn't care that you said that. It hurt my feelings. If I was a bad mommy I wouldn't be combing your hair or helping you get dressed or feeding you breakfast. Would you like it if I said you were a bad daughter?" TD: "Nooo...."Me: (Feeling overwhelmed by sadness and … [Read more...]
Overheards- Totaled
Scene: I'm cooking dinner, sipping grapefruit juice and fielding complaints from the peanut gallery. Spaghetti frittata isn't a gallery favorite. Then the phone rings.H: "Sooo... what kind of new car do you want?"Me: "What?! Why?" Thoughts drift towards our earlier emails regarding his car's prowess. As in, it has none. It's a '98 Corolla. H: "The Corolla just got totaled."Me: "WHAT?! Are you OK?" Inwardly I am screaming and thinking in short circuits of, "FUCK!" "DAMN!" "Whew!" "Crap... we just got rid of our only car payment in December...FUCK!"H: "Can you pick me up? Or wait. I'll call you when the tow truck gets here."Me: "Ok... I'm so confused. What happened? Was it your fault?"H: "No. The other … [Read more...]
She’s Four and Getting Married
I guess I should be happy. She has good taste in er, boys. A few weeks ago a mother to a boy in TD's class informed me that TD was her son's "Lady Love" and that they were "betrothed". "Don't freak out." She said. "We've been reading Robin Hood and that is how they talk and how the book refers to Maid Marian." OK, then.They hold hands going into school. They have playdates and in general, are similar and just genuinely like each others company. It's a match made in preschool heaven when you find someone who eats the same organic snacks and hates loud noises like you do. Right?But TD might be two-timing her man. Today she told me, "I'm marrying Reilly. I'll hold flowers and then we'll hold hands after we're married because that … [Read more...]
Overheards- The Old Bra
Scene: I am getting ready for bed and H, already snuggled under the covers, peers out at me. H: Wow that must be an old bra.V: Excuse, me? What are you talking about? I've worn this bra, like, twice. Ever.H: Well, it's all see-through and worn out looking. V: Oh geez. (I snort) You poor man! This is not an old bra, I just never wear it and it's not the super-nude or basic black ones I normally sport. Two things people. One, even when I play things up with my bra I rarely choose see-through for daily use as it just isn't practical to me. I like a smooth line and not something that is going to show how cold it is or the exact shape of my areola, you know? Since this third pregnancy, I've discovered a great need for pretty underwear on a daily basis. I want coordinated, colorful, sexy pieces … [Read more...]
Overheards- I’m Huge
Yesterday, I took the girls out for some play time with friends at an indoor play area. While there a young woman struck up a conversation with my friend and me. When she found out I was having my third she looked at me and said, "Wow! You are showing already! You are going to be HUGE!" I smiled through my teeth and laughed it off thinking, "Sweetie, I'm still smaller than you. And ten years older."Cut to this morning when H said to me, "You're my hot wife." I smirked and jokingly asked, "Even though I'm already SO HUGE?" He replied, "You're not that huge."Excuse me, what?He then said, "Wait. No, wait! What?! I didn't. I'm so confused. It's still dark out, it's too early. Don't get mad at me already...."Well, if I'm huge now then wait … [Read more...]