Scene: H and I are in bed reading. Er..I'm trying to read and he's asking inane questions over my shoulder just to annoy the hell out of me. Marriage is bliss, people!H: Ah, the prologue. You are going to read the prologue? Me: Um.. yes. (Scoots a few inches away)H: And you'll read the epilogue, right? Me: (Sighing audibly) Yesss... I will. H: Is there ever just like, a log or something? Me: A log? Like the middle section?H: Yeah, a log (he sounds it out, "log-ooh".)Me: Sure there is, the middle part is "log-ooh" or just log. As in, "Captain's Log: Stardate..."He flicks me in the ear. … [Read more...]
Abused Animals Will Love My Kid
We have only one TV in our house. Wait, that's a lie. We installed one in our kitchen last night but it won't have cable. It will only play music and movies on it. This one TV has recently caused TD, our five year-old, some considerable emotional pain and suffering. In our quest to find a show that we could all watch at the same time we settled on TLC's 'The Next Great Baker'. The girl loves her some baking shows. Cupcake Wars? She would probably buy the box set. My point? At some point during 'The Next Great Baker' episode nine hundred and eleventy -the one where Buddy asks the bakers to make a cake that looks like man-eating flesh virus. It's a classic- one of those commercials played. You know what I'm talking about. … [Read more...]
Things You Shouldn’t Do
Feed the zoo animals. You shouldn't do that.Mix ammonia with bleach. That's bad.Shave and eat cereal while driving. True story. I used to see a guy do this on the beltway at least once a week. You also shouldn't get the stomach flu and decide to forgo taking your meds and then forget to take your meds for almost a full week. It can cause withdrawal. Me, being wicked smot, did just that this Christmas and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day in bed sick with what I thought was the flu.Again.Except, yesterday, after days of jittery nerves, total exhaustion (I slept 19 of the 24 in Christmas) and a sick stomach I had a thought. A break in the fog that had become my brain. I hadn't taken my Celexa in days. Holy shite. I'm going through … [Read more...]
Clay Morrow Pisses Off a Muppet
Maybe it's the massive viewing of all things Muppet that has been going on in our house these days. Maybe it's the holiday season but while catching up on Season 4 of 'Sons of Anarchy', what? That doesn't sound like Christmas to you? I began to see a noticeable resemblance between SOA's club President, Clay Morrow and The Riverbottom Nightmare Band's lead singer, Chuck.Clay, Chuck's pissed because you're totally stealing his look. And Piney, Chuck wants his patch back. Rock on, Riverbottom Nightmare Band! … [Read more...]
It Ain’t Christmas Shoes
At many houses, I presume, there are holiday songs being sung and listened to all throughout the days. Christmas songs, Hanukkah songs, Kwanzaa (Oh my God, I could listen to this woman all day, she soothes me...) songs, you get the idea. I know my ears already started bleeding hearing the song, " Christmas Shoes". Actually, I almost took an axe to my radio hearing that just one time. I freakin' hate that song. It doesn't make me cry or feel bad. It just makes me want to hit stuff. Is that wrong? It is just so manipulative. I digress.In our house I don't hear "Jingle Bells" or "Away in a Manger", I hear this. Non-stop. TD, slumps to Jim Parsons perfection each time she belts out his portion of the song. I had no idea her normally high-pitched squeals could … [Read more...]
The Limited Dress Haul
On Cyber Monday I took advantage of The Limited's 50% off sale. That's right, 50% off everything. I thought it would be a great way to get something to wear to NYC and for the holidays. So I ordered and this dressI was so excited when they got here on time, though a bit slower than I wanted (checking order status after four days, yelling at computer screen and myself for not creating a Limited account to track orders! GAH!), but in time for NYC. So, whew! I usually fit into their clothes so well. Not this time. Not only did both dresses look horrific but one actually smelled like it had been worn and returned. Gross, red cap sleeve dress. Gross. Don't party all night and think you can just arrive unnoticed! Still, I order and shop at The … [Read more...]
My Bathroom, My Sanctuary
Modern day motherhood is complicated. Um, scratch that. Motherhood, whenever it is happening is complicated. It was never not compilicated. According to a recent survey conducted by Ivory soap, 80 percent of American moms think motherhood is actually more complicated today than it was 20 years ago. Probably. I mean our lives are more complicated and the guilt is more complicated so why not, right? The survey also found that 66% of Moms copped to hiding in their bathrooms for some alone time. Yup, I would install a mini-fridge in my bathroom if I could and live there sometimes. It is my go-to space for peace and quiet. In no way sponsored but somewhat insteresting- Ivory recently launched The Soap Dish, a light-hearted social community … [Read more...]
It’s Wendy Williams Time
If you are reading this then it might be too late. I might have already made my television debut. That's right. I'm slated to be a guest on the "after" Wendy Williams show. Not be confused with the actual, live version that is seen daily or made fun of almost weekly by Joel McHale. If you are like most people then you are saying this, "What the heck is Wendy Williams?!" At least that is what I got out here in the 'burbs of Virginia. Seriously. Does no one else watch The Soup or read Entertainment Weekly? Well, this is Wendy- Ok, that is just one of my favorite Wendy clips.To me that is why I love Wendy and why some people just don't get her. Here's what I'll be doing. … [Read more...]
Overheards: Milk
Scene: Breakfast table. TD is headed upstairs to dress for school. The Comedian is still eating the last remnants of her cereal. I'm packing up her lunch, picking up items off the floor, and putting dishes in the sink. The Comedian: "Wash, wash, wash."Me: "What are you washing?"The Comedian: "Um. Myself."Me: "Good. You need to use napkins more. Good job!"The Comedian: "Yesss. Wash, wash, wash. Washing with milk."Me: "What?" I turn to look. While I packed her sisters lunch The Comedian has stripped down naked at the breakfast table and begun smearing her cereal milk all over herself. Me: Loud, audible sigh. "We don't wash with miiilllk. Ugh! It doesn't get you clean. It makes you smelly and dirty." I'm … [Read more...]
The Forty Dollar Coat
On Black Friday I sat surrounded by family enjoying the fleeting time I had with all of them. In the mountains of West Virginia there wasn't a Walmart or Best Buy to get into a frenzy about for over fifty miles. When I saw a woman on CNN proclaiming that her favorite purchase from Black Friday was a coat she bought for $40 from Eddie Bauer I almost thought, "That's a decent deal." But then she continued talking and said, "And I don't even need it!" To this I yelled at the television, "So donate it!" It was instantaneous and on gut instinct. If you don't need it, you probably will not use it. If you do, it's not something you actually need anyway, so why not give it to someone who does. I swear.I am a purger. As much as my … [Read more...]