I’m Killing Me

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Who can blame me what with the death of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and now Karl Malden. Last night I dreamt that Christina Aguilera delivered my baby in between concert sets while on tour in Japan. Don't dreams of birth actually mean death? It probably also doesn't help that I've been contributing to my own death this week as well. I don't know how it happen but somehow I have a pack of cigarettes in my house and they are rapidly depleting. Can I blame the economy? How about the lack of paid work I have right now? Yeah, that's it. Take my meager earnings and blow it on kill sticks. That's wicked smot. It doesn't help that I have a partner in crime living right in my house either. Just when I think of throwing the … [Read more...]

Just Pump It

Today felt as if it was the first day I went back to the gym post The Comedian. I joined the gym back in January and went regularly until I decided to become a Shredhead and train for a 5k. I ignored the class schedule taped up on the fridge and never gave it a second thought. After the 5k however, I felt I needed more. Since The Comedian has officially weaned herself with a snub nose and stiff arm to my chest I figured now was the best time. I can lose my weight and get toned up again. Simple. Heh.Before The Comedian I took a class that was all weights for an hour and a half a few times a week and I loved it. It challenged me and totally re-shaped my form. I felt fantastic and that I looked better than before I had TD. This new gym has Body Pump. Sounds fun, huh? Each time I … [Read more...]

Not a Wounded Antelope

Saturday 5:45 a.m.- my alarm goes off and my brain and body freeze up. Today is the day. Today I will run my first 5k. While I am sure my body can do it, my brain has decided it wants a monopoly on the whole thing and will go to any lengths to psyche me out of doing it. Stupid brain. Initially, I was going to go up by myself and H and the girls would meet me later. Why drag them out at that ungodly hour too? However, The Comedian got up bright and early and before I was done showering and trying not to puke in my bathroom sink, she was ready to go. TD followed a bit later, wearing her "My Mom is Blogging This" t-shirt. Tweeting would be more like it. It was better that they came with me instead of me driving solo and freaking myself out about parking, traffic and of course, the race the … [Read more...]

Retching via my Blackberry

I was all set to blog about my nervous feeling regarding my impending 5k this weekend, a first for me. That is until something decided it wanted to make a bloody good mess of carving out my insides this morning. At least that is what it felt like. I did the whole doling out the vitamins routine, changed the night time diaper, made a spectacular batch of oatmeal for TD and then WHAM! Just as I poured the dog food the queasy stomach I had been nursing for the last day just sucker punched me and I was soon lying on the floor of my foyer in a soaking wet, cold sweat. TD, being the good and dutiful classic eldest child fetched me a pillow from the couch and used her step stool from the bathroom to reach my phone so I could call H and almost vomit into the phone at him. If the sound of your … [Read more...]

I’ve Got Sweaty Wrists

I wouldn't call it sweating so much as it's dripping that I'm doing right now. I got the opportunity to go on a morning run today versus my normal evening jaunt. There is something so wonderful about starting the day literally hitting the pavement. Humidity has not yet set in and there is still a haze in the air. As I run on the trails and various sidewalks in my 'hood I can smell this sweet summery scent that just lifts my spirits and makes me inhale deeply. It is entirely uplifting.That is until I decided to veer off my intended track and bypass a gaggle of women who were out for a morning stroll. And when I say stroll I use that term quite lightly. It was more like a creep. Suddenly I found myself doing my final minutes up the biggest hill in my neighborhood. I had The White … [Read more...]

The Hills They Break Me

Holy Mountain of Death... it must be ninety-bazillion degrees outside and my legs feel like they are in cement casings. Where is my runners high? Where in all that is holy and stamped with a Nike swoosh is my moment of running zen?! I am deep in the trenches of one month of running. The times are getting longer and my body is telling me to quit. The hills in my 'hood are r-e-lent-less. I'm not playing around here and my lower body knows it. My heart having been gargled by Jillian for weeks beforehand is quite up to the task. My feet are sufficiently callused from years of doing the Avon Walk. It's my mind and my legs that are weak. They see another hill coming and just want to cave. The brain says, "Hey legs...psstt...legs...up here. Listen, you don't have to take this punishment … [Read more...]

Wouldn’t You Like to Get Away?

Yesterday was just like that bad. I had my woman doctor appointment and I got that whole "I'm mad that I'm female thing " going on, which rarely happens, except when I'm the one who has to deal with the whole birth control issue and my craptastic insurance won't cover what is probably the "best" option for me and I decide fuck it, I don't care. I'm getting the fucking IUD and I'll just make payments on my uterus or what have you. Thanks Mirena! Does my uterus owe you interest each month too? Anyways... then I head to my gym determined to be in a better mood because HUZZAH! it's time to sign up Dash Two for the gym daycare. Only there's this big ol' note on the front door and while it's after 9 a.m. the gym is really dark. Huh. Oh right- because they are closed. For. Ever. WTF?! And then I … [Read more...]

No, You’re a Douchebag

From the files of : Things I will not be reviewing now or ever comes...Waterworks Natural Vaginal Therapy. Works just like your ordinary douchebag without upsetting your "vaginal ecosystem".Yes, really.I'm not even going to go into how I cannot review a product like this in my current prego condition and I don't review items I cannot actually use or believe in using before writing them up. Nor will I get all twitchy about how yet, again, the PR company did zero research on who they were marketing to and how this is not something I would "endorse."But this? This just killed me."Stainless Steel and Water. Using stainless steel with running water is a recognized method of eliminating the volatile sulfur compounds (VSC) that cause odor. The combination of a stainless steel soap bar and tap … [Read more...]

Pee. It’s Not for Drinking.

Walking downstairs from my bedroom to the kitchen (because where else do you store a jug o' pee? Yup. Right there next to that bottle of Chardonnay that is not for sipping but cooking only now.) I tell myself, "OK. Remember, right hand is your water. Water is CLEAR. Left hand is the cup of pee. Pee is not for drinking. Don't get all baby brained out on me at the last second and try and sip from the pee cup, got it?" Yes, I'm mentally telling myself not to drink my own urine. It is a sad state of affairs. I wasn't feeling so hot this past week and when I developed a pain in my upper right side I decided I didn't want to go down the bed rest route like I did with TD a full ten weeks than when I was pregnant with her so I went to see my doctor yesterday. Just like last time I'm going in … [Read more...]

No, I can’t go for that. No can do…

(Are you singing Hall & Oates now? What about now? Am I crazy for lovin' them? H says it shows my remarkably bad taste in loser music.)Because it is day 45 (no I'm not pregnant) and I feel like I've been pmsing for the last million days (To those who live near me, I'm sorry. I don't like it either. I'm really trying to be nice, cuddly and such but my hormones are whack yo and it makes it hard to feel human-like) I'm posting things that irritate me or I just plain don't get.1. Chit-chat in the Express line at Safeway (aka the Seventh Ring of Hell). It's the EXPRESS line people. I'm all for a friendly customer-cashier relationship and all but when the line is four and a half people deep and that half person is trying to use the conveyor belt as a place to do the moon walk, read/throw … [Read more...]