Your Female Andy Rooney

Is it just me or is the weather getting really freaky lately? Spring lasted all of a day here and then came summer. Throw in a few near biblical storms and I am beginning to think I might need hailing frog insurance.  I will not be wearing any striped stockings or ruby slippers any time soon.I put 'Remedy Oil' on my knees last night before bed. Not only does that make me sound old but it seems like something Laura Ingalls Wilder would have bought from a tinker by the side of the road.I told The Comedian that her whining "does not become her". Move over Joan Crawford. Betty Draper has apparently taken over.*Image from kenlevine.blogspot.com … [Read more...]

Overheards- Toddlers with Knives

Scene:  The dinner table.  TD, The Comedian, H and myself are seated and The Fifth Element is on the floor playing with toys while we eat.H:  "We don't hold knives over babies!"  He says to The Comedian who is swinging her table knife* over the top of The Fifth Element's head as she plays down below.  Especially not at the dinner table.  It's just bad manners.*All knives used in the making of this post were dull and void.  No babies were actually harmed in the making of this post.  … [Read more...]

New Obsessions

Cross-posted from DC Metro Moms.  Original post date April 10, 2008.I used to obsess about handbags and cute sandals. Really. Just weeks ago. Accessories and nail polishes were like air to me. These days all my creative juices seem sapped by a guppy-sized being inhabiting my lower regions. My desires for cute butt jeans and wedge heels have transferred to working myself into a lather over just the idea of a Pizza Hut pan pizza only for me. When I sit down to work all I can think of is how brownies repulse me and the idea of a nachos bell grande seems like pure bliss. My house never feels clean and I want to change my sheets daily. I yearn to plant acres of flowers and all ideas of baking, my old hobby, have been put aside. I am not pregnant. It seems in fact, that I have had a … [Read more...]

Life in the Weeds

I keep thinking back to this saying I used to hear when I waited tables back in the day, "I'm in the weeds."  Truly, it runs through my brain on a continuous loop more and more.  The addition of a third child factored with a two-year old and more has put me over a barrel.I look at my kitchen windows and see that only one blind has been pulled up to reveal the outside world.  It is at a haphazard angle and crooked while the remaining windows are still drawn shut.  I think to myself, "Yup, that about sums up my week. My life, as of late. Half-assed.  Haphazard and askew."  My shit is all apart.  Take the fact that the kitchen sink clogged the other night.  Just before we were headed out the door for the Disney on Ice spectacular the damn thing … [Read more...]

Overheards- Porn

Scene:  TD and The Comedian are waiting for me to pop some popcorn for them.  Much jumping up and down in the kitchen is taking place.TD: "POPCORN!! YEAH!"The Comedian: "OPORN! OPORN!"V:  "Are you trying to say popcorn?  Popcorn is oporn to you?"The Comedian:  "Oporn!"TD:  "What's Porn?"V: "Oh geez... um.  How did we get from popcorn to porn in under a minute? (nervous laugh) She's just trying to say 'popcorn'.  That's all.TD and The Comedian:  "PORN! PORN!" (More jumping up and down.)V:  "NO!  It's Popcorn.  Pop-cooornnnn." All need is for one or both these kids to go to someone else's house or school asking for porn. … [Read more...]

Computer No Worky

I was all set to write a bit on the progress I feel I and H are making.  And then this happened-Those grey spots are all missing pieces on my keyboard that The Comedian felt should no longer exist. I may be going dark for a few days people.  I'm working from my desktop right now and I feel like it is 1995 and I just got the Internets into my dorm room.Anyone have a laptop they want to give me that doesn't weigh 18 pounds? Heh. … [Read more...]

The Sticky, Big Tape

What does it say about your day when it starts with a line like this-"Mommy!  The Comedian has tape stuck all over her body!  The sticky, big tape that comes from the office!"OY.And with an eye barely cracked open I glanced over the edge of the bed where sure enough The Comedian was wrapped in packing tape from head to toe.  It wasn't even 7:30 in the morning.  … [Read more...]

Tell Me It Is Worth It

It's a busy here. Actually, when isn't it busy here?  I've got three kids under five.  One of which does all of the following and more in a single day-"Mom! The Comedian has food coloring!"  Yes, she did.  I entered the kitchen just as she was about to squeeze out drops of yellow food coloring onto the kitchen floor. Next to her feet was an uncorked bottle of wine she had also seized from the pantry. I don't know what kind of party she had in mind but I wasn't down with it.  That same day she clogged the upstairs bathroom with toilet paper and then proceeded to take all the paper out and throw it on the bathroom walls.  Before I even got to that I had to pick up an unopened box of ob tampons that were all over the bathroom floor and in the tub.  The … [Read more...]

The Comedian Turns Two

The last year.  Where did it go? I try to think back and all I see is a haze of pregnancy and randomness.  Now, here we are, celebrating the fact that already The Comedian is two.  I said to H the other day, "It seems like she should be older.  Must be that second kid thing."  Or the fact that she can scale walls like Spiderman, makes H want to put up concertina wire over our balcony, is stealthy as the Invisible Man and can leap tall pieces of furniture in a single bound.  The other night she climbed the coffee table, then her chair and jump off the top of it into her seat all with a single, "Heeyah!" sound.  It was actually quite beautiful.  The grace, the swift, solid movement.  She could be a circus performer, I think.She's clever, … [Read more...]

Returning Pants with Three Kids

The other day H bought two pairs of pants.  Turns out he didn't like them so much (I seriously don't want to meet the person who is that long in the crotch) and they needed to be returned. Easy peasy he thought.  "I'll just return them when we go to the grocery store today."  I know you are all like "What?!" (cue Aziz Ansari's voice.) "Returning pants at the grocery store?  Where the hell do you shop for food?"  Hold up. There's a men's clothing store next door.  And yes, we sometimes all go to the grocery store together because "it's fun." Heh.  We have some dinner, the kids eat like zombies in front of a TV blaring Nick Jr (unheard of in our house) and then we shop.  Don't hate. I know you want to live like this. It's tres glamorous.So the … [Read more...]